you love food
Had an awkward interaction recently where a friend and my partner both insisted repeatedly that I love food and eating. I said no and that it’s a struggle and even my partner who knows I have an ed and am currently relapsing insisted no, I love food. I felt so invalidated. I even felt like I had to argue and stand up for myself and humiliated myself trying to talk about my food rules but they still didn’t get it. My friend eats for fuel only and doesn’t care about fancy dishes or taste so usually he eats blank rice or pasta and that’s it. Putting veggies or tofu on it is special. He was like a bar I was measured against and if I really hated food I’d eat like him and not make elaborate meals. But my meals aren’t even elaborate. They have a little rice or shirataki and broccoli and kimchi and tofu. Lots about volume eating and protein and low cal. It might look healthy or like I love it but it just means I am scared of the rest. I might like the taste of food but I hate how it feels inside me and what it makes me worry about. I hate that so much food is just not good for you and eating feels like a minefield. I hate that everything has so much sugar in it. I can’t eat like him because I’m too scared of so much rice and pasta.
Where they might be right is obsession about food. I guess that is true but it’s just illness and not a part of my character. I forget to eat when engrossed in something. But it’s embarrassing how people recovering from ed’s always seem to go on to become nutritionists and gym people or posting cakes and pastries all the time. The food obsession never stops for them it’s just suddenly about aesthetic cakes or protein.