working on myself (maybe)
I think at this point I am here to have an option to change, learn and do it differently, or decide to go my old ways.
In the past, the interest asymmetry in some friendships and relationships bothered me too much to keep at it. I’d cut people off because I’d rather not have access to them than have this spotty access. I wanted to get over it once and for all instead of having to get over the rejection every other week. Their behavior got me spiraling and I did it to protect myself. I wanted to be the first one to leave instead of being left, and despite it being accidental, their behavior always came off to me as if they could cut off contact with me any time because of how shakey the communication partially was, and mixed signals being sent.
I dislike that someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you platonically or romantically or is at least way more flakey and reserved can accidentally create an addictive dynamic where you are either in the lowest of lows because they don’t respond when they could, or the highest of highs when they respond and are more talkative than usual. You’re like a puppet that is pulled by strings, and your entire emotional state starts to depend on it.
It creates this weird reward, this weird feeling of being special when they choose to grace you with attention. Also, false hope, because every time you hope that you have finally made it “in”, into the circle of people they don’t treat like this, but then suddenly they do it again. They inadvertently get you to compete for attention and try to convince them of your worth. 30 people can shower you in love and affection, but that this one is treating you lesser is destroying your brain and it wonders why this one is different. In the worst case, at least.
I’ve had it so many times before to varying degrees. I thought I had recovered from it, and no longer feel this manipulated or strongly for people, but I am learning now that I just didn’t meet people where I had any asymmetry (or at least I didn’t notice/I must have been the less invested person if there was) for the last few years.
Now that I am experiencing a person like that again, I recognize that this is still a construction site, a wound. I think I am more sensitive to this stuff because of how hot-and-cold my mum was, super nice one moment and cruel or distanced the next. And me as a kid always hoping that the next time she was nice and caring, it would finally last.
I don’t like when that happens. It’s unhealthy. But I wonder now: Do I stick it out and finally learn how to deal with it in a healthy manner without losing access to the person? Or do I accept it as a limitation of mine, a boundary, and keep cutting people off as this is a dealbreaker?
I do wanna be more patient. I wanna learn how to be okay with having to build up trust and reputation with someone over months or years. All I am used to and successful in are connections both on- and offline that are immediately intense and we text a ton and talk about all kinds of things, because these people are open or as “desperate” or lonely or without other commitments or people as I am. I don’t actually know how to integrate into someone’s existing life and connections and not immediately be number 1-2 in their lives. But I think I’d like to learn? Maybe?
On the other hand, maybe I need to protect myself and realize what I can handle well emotionally and what I can’t, and that maybe I don’t have to put myself through triggering stuff like that.
But on the third hand (lol), these situations have the chance of happening again and again in my life. So if I could learn to endure the trigger, spot and analyze my emotions, and find a good way to cope while not losing the friendship, wouldn’t that be good?
It’s easy to see the other party as the asshole, as toxic, as careless. I’ve done ao too in the past in many cases. I felt used, as if I was only good enough in certain moments. But honestly, I don’t think anyone does it on purpose, for nefarious or manipulative reasons. It’s not their fault they want less to do with you or aren’t interested. They could do better communication in some cases, sure, but in many, that is just what they want and anything more crosses a boundary for them, and you gotta respect that without thinking they are hurting you on purpose by dry texting or being hard to meet up with.
So I think I would like to learn how to not see them as “”abusers”” and how to be more comfortable with temporary or general interest asymmetry.
How do I do that? One part of me is scared that I am just lying to myself and make excuses for people that treat me like shit and I stay in a bad situation for too long. I remember having this fear since early teen, about a lot of things where this view could apply. But I also have to recognize that someone merely texting less and being less interested in hanging out isn’t treating me badly on purpose.
So I guess I should start by reaffirming that people can still like and appreciate me without putting me first or second in their life. That it doesn’t say anything about me or them. I almost wanted to affirm that this could be temporary as they build trust and get to know me, but honestly, I don’t wanna affirm hopes and wishful thinking. I can’t know that. I better treat it as a given, forever.
I don’t wanna think that I can “fix” someone and show my love enough so that their rough shell cracks and they finally trust me enough to like me back the same way. I used to think that way and it was bad; their non-chalance made me escalate my efforts and signals, and it was a waste of energy. I should never feel like my kindness can heal someone or get them to act like I want them to. Even if I know they are capable of the sort of communication and commitment I’d want with them because they have it with other people.
But I don’t know where to go from here yet.
I’m a little scared, sad, overwhelmed. It’s a difficult topic for me.