work woes
Today at the office is rough. 50% of the problem is me and being really sensitive today, but still. I went in with a mindset of gratitude and appreciating the simplicity and security of the job, trying to be thankful. But it didn’t last long. It’s like sitting in a bunch of thorns, being overly aware of what really bothers and stings you about this work. There are always phases where I feel really lonely at work because while there is no fights/arguments/bullying going on, I don’t relate to my coworkers at all and can’t find a connection.
And I feel like people at work in general can’t handle it well when they know you haven’t settled for the job, and want more or wanna move on one day. Even if you just study on the side, or they notice you making connections elsewhere in-house or find out you apply elsewhere internally they start resenting you subtly, as if you think you’re better than them or that the job that’s just right for them is somehow trash.
Months ago I put up my new qualifications at my desk where I put down my bag so I see it when I arrive and leave (corny, I know) and since then I feel like my slightly younger coworker that I share an office with, who tried studying on the side but had to quit it, treats me in a colder way. I never connected the dots until recently.
I get it’s my fault and I will never make the mistake again of showing ambition at the next workplace or being proud of what I achieved or being open about wanting more. It still sucks though. I never badmouthed the position or work towards them or acted like it’s beneath me. When asked I was just open about what I’d like to do in the future. Lesson learned. Also people don’t invest in you when they think you can leave any minute.
(2 hours later)
Sometimes I wonder why I can’t just be happy here, like… didn’t I want a job that’s easy where almost no one bothers me and I can work on my own and leave when I wanna leave past 2pm? Then why does it make me wanna die so much?
It feels like the root cause is neurodivergence, but I don’t wanna let that count because it feels trivial, childish and overdone. Like I don’t wanna belong to the crowd who seemingly can’t do anything or feels constantly bad at the slightest bit of inconvenience. It’s clearly my fault that I feel so much stress and psychological pain at this situation and it’s unreasonable and not normal. I should just work at shutting it off but nothing helps.
It’s normal to feel bored from work or wish to work somewhere else sometimes, but it’s not normal to fight against such a resistance to even work, or switch tasks, or to do something that is “too easy”, or feel so bad when working at a task I am not invested in, not passionate about, digital conveyor belt work that will be automated soon (data entry).
I know it’s always been like this for me (in school I wasn’t writing down exercises or homework etc because I couldn’t get myself to do it when I was good at the subject and could just answer spontaneously). Other people would just be inconvenienced or drag themselves through it or be like “yay easy work, chill”. For me internally it feels like I am dying. It causes me genuine emotional scars. And some sort of trauma??? Which is wild, because I have complex PTSD from being abused most of my time with my parents and from being raped, so I know what it is like and don’t throw that around lightly.
Being neurodivergent feels like being one year old. It feels like the Princess and the Pea. It feels like paper skin and glass bones. I don’t condone or understand my reactions to these things. It’s like in some areas of life I just can’t function like other people would. It’s like as if someone is severely misophonic and they are ashamed about how much leaves rustling in the wind is making them melt down, because it’s such a normal sound and nothing harmful, but still it sends them into a spiral and there’s nothing they can do about it. That’s me but with normal work occurrences like work that’s too easy or boring or repetitive or not involving my special interests.
I told my spouse and they said: “That reaction is not just to what you directly are confronted with there, but also what it stands for indirectly, like having a work environment where you don‘t feel at home, being hindered in your professional ambitions, having your creative input stifled by bureaucracy, all those things”
Which is also true.
It feels like having luxury problems, though. Being autistic in the white west feels bourgeois. Like people are working in coal mines and dying, and my ass cannot touch corduroy or have a normal day in the office without feeling like this is causing me severe damage to my mental health???