versions of you
I think there is a tension between the version of you others see and how you truly are, in the sense that there’s lots of cultural sayings about how one doesn’t say anything about the other, but I think it’s a lot more nuanced than that.
For one, I think it can obviously help depressed, anxious, obsessive, or low-selfesteem people to tell them that just because someone doesn’t like you doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. That’s where telling people “someone just sees a version of you and it doesn’t mean you really are that” ties in; in the end, it’s just opinions, and you have to work on creating a solid self image so that the opinions of others don’t sway you all the time, even on minor shit like being too quiet or too loud, too personal or too distanced etc. in the end, you can’t please everyone.
This goes especially hard for strangers or people you know almost nothing about. If this lady is acting shitty with her car in the parking lot, that’s all I know of her, so of course my brain wants to characterize her negatively, maybe as a very rude and selfish person in the rest of her life too, even though I just caught her in a bad moment. In these situations, people only ever see you do xyz, and you are with yourself all the time, so of course this view I have on her has nothing to do with who she really is. She should maybe take my view into account for the next time on a parking lot, but not much more.
But on the other hand, if you have known and interacted with people for years and are friends, this is a little different. These people have seen you grow and change, have been there for life events, seen you at your lowest and better. I think if they have a specific view of you, there is at least a kernel of truth to it. It’s probably rooted in certain behaviors of yours that weren’t just due to a bad phase, a bad mood, a slip up in judgment - it’s a whole pattern, a side of you, even if small, that you have exhibited independently of anything that’s been going on. Or, if it’s a recent development, they have a clear before/after comparison, they saw the descent into this.
I think it’s not wise to dismiss these things via the former example of the parking lot lady. It’s uncomfortable when people characterize us in a way we don’t wanna be and our first instinct is to be defensive about it and think of stuff like “it’s just a version of you in their head!”. But I mean, they nourished that version of you in their head with something.
I’m not saying people can’t assume weird shit about you and project insecurities onto you (like for example, being intimidated by you or your skills or beauty and due to that, seeing you as arrogant, when you have done nothing arrogant), but just like the parking lot lady, most of the time people need something to create a view of you and gather info that informs it.
There is lots you can do to find out if it’s a parking lot situation or a friend situation. How long have you known each other? How much do you know about each other? Has there been evidence of jealousy or comparison, or is there reason to (one of you is higher up, more skilled, more popular, etc.), that could make negative views on you more likely to have root in insecurity?
In any way - dismissing others’ opinions of you as versions of you that are created by them in their head that are “not real” doesn’t change the fact that reputations exist and are a part of life.
I would not dismiss it entirely out of reflex. If you would not say their positive views on you are fictional, take their negative view seriously in the same way.
This goes the opposite direction too. If you are selfhating and others that have known you for a while have a positive view of you, trust it. You didn’t con or deceive them, I’m sure.