update
Didn’t feel like posting for a while, even when things went to shit. Like it was too heavy to write, making it too real. Open and closed the editor a couple times in the last weeks.
Now things are kinda okay overall, but I feel weirdly depressed; I struggle to find enjoyment in things I like and every day, I don’t feel like getting up for anything, it all feels pointless.
I had a necessary talk with my spouse that was nerve-wracking and made me wanna throw up during, and I cried too, but later it was fine, and it’s been good since. It still left me reeling because that has to have been the most raw relationship talk we ever had. Marriage does that to you; talks are no longer about small stuff, but things that can affect your relationship for decades. Longterm, fundamental stuff. This one was particularly dicey because it was about sex, among other things.
I feel a lot of pressure to perform perfectly in all areas of my life; sex was, admittedly, the one steady and repetitive thing I could rely on, not much thinking or creativity needed, as we had found a way that works and is nice for both, and compatible with my otherwise full life, knowing how long things will go on in each encounter before I go and get busy.
Except my spouse now said they are bored of the routine and want to switch things up and try new things, so that’s no longer the case. It’s another area I have to put effort in and actively participate and think now, no longer a rhythmic and comfortable routine. Admittedly, I have been falling into the same steps and moves because I don’t particularly feel like spontaneity and new stuff when all I can think about is all the things I still have to do afterwards, but I’ll have to make it work.
At the same time, I have started to develop a crush. It’s annoying, in the sense that it is entirely superficial; I only met that person twice, playing card games together. I barely know anything about them. It’s all looks and details and behavior. I don’t even yet know enough to crush on them as a person. I don’t like that; why can’t it wait until I know them well? Well, a crush is a lack of information, I guess.
It makes me long for them all day, because my brain desperately wants to confirm my feelings and get to know that person better. It all feels unnecessarily urgent. Crushes really do have you wanna act a fool. I also constantly have to stop myself from imagining scenarios in my head, because that’s the dangerous thing that crushing brains do when they don’t get to see that person; they wanna satisfy the urge anyway, and fill in the blanks by themselves. That sucks though, because you’re making up a version of them in their head that doesn’t exist, and then later on you might be heartbroken that they aren’t who you imagined them to be. Like you’re in love with someone who doesn’t exist, but whose body is walking around.
But I don’t want that, so I’m keeping it cool. Just continue on. Get to know them better. Resist urgency, fantasies and clown behavior. Then when I am sure, tell my spouse. Then see from there.
I think it is also an apt time for me to develop a crush, because it at least adds some spice and excitement to my life, something to look forward to, novel. I wonder if brains can develop crushes to keep you going, keep you alive in tough times.
Honestly, I’d be a little sad if my crush ends, because it has been a nice distraction and positive thing to experience next to disappointment and losses this year. I like experiencing the rush without the actual pressure to find a life partner; I already got mine, so no need to figure out such a deep level of compatibility and all that. Like, I just wanna see where this is going, no need to have to think about kids, cohab, marriage and all that. It can be casual.
When already married, you no longer experience crushes like the one shot at true love that makes you feel like you gotta conform to what they like to make it work and not waste the chance (more or less). I still wanna impress them and show my best side, but I am too settled and grounded to pretend I am different. I have someone else in my life that I owe things to.
I am also scared. In all 5 years, we never dated outside the relationship. Together with recent hiccups in our relationship, maybe it will seem like a bad time to my spouse. Maybe they have changed their mind and wanna stay monogamous. And I don’t wanna ruin the friendship we have with my crush. I don’t want my spouse to overanalyze my behavior towards them, or cancel upcoming card game meetings because of it. And of course, I don’t even know yet if that person could even like me that way, and if yes, if their relationship is open.
Previously, I have never been denied sex, or anything sexual, when I asked it of anyone, and the crushes I chose to pursue always turned out to be mutual. This year, there was a moment my spouse said no to something sexual for the first time ever in my life, and it was an odd and new feeling. I of course respected it, but something in me felt like I had reached my peak and now it’s just downhill from here, now I have to live like many others already did all this time, where sex and requited love is never as guaranteed as it always was for me. I had a good run. What if I don’t have “it” anymore? What if this is the first crush I wanna pursue that rejects me? Am I getting uglier and uglier?
I also would like this to work out because I’ve been out as polyamorous for 10 years and never got to live it, meanwhile others slide into it accidentally and just work it out randomly on the go. That has me jealous. I was just very busy and not interested in anyone else the past years, so this feels like the one chance… I try not to think of it this way, as it introduces weird pressure, as if this is a once-in-a-lifetime situation when it’s not, but I can’t help but at least acknowledge this scarcity aspect, the jealousy and desire to experience something I have wanted for a decade now, unofficially for even longer, before I knew the terms and all.
There’s also the issue of when to tell my spouse. Tell now, and risk weirdness as it hasn’t been that long and maybe it’ll fade/I change my mind as I find out more, and then I would have made a big deal out of nothing. Tell later when I’m sure of it means it’ll happen when I am already deeply emotionally invested, and changes the stakes of a “no”. Right now, it could still be a casual “Hey, I find that person cute and wanna get to know them better”, later it would be heavier.
I just… don’t have practice in how to bring that up. Never had to do it before.