trying
Things can change. Nothing is static. If it had the potential to go bad, it has the same potential to get better. If it’s so easy for good people to leave you, then the bad will sooner or later leave you alone, too.
The people that hurt you now are irrelevant in a few years, the job that sucks the life out of you now will be a blip in your life looking back. Remember all the things that felt like forever - a certain band you liked, a clothing style, an online community, a hobby? You thought you’d participate in that forever, but here you are, and you have moved on, at least partially. I thought I would like yoga pants forever and found my staple for life, but nope. Life changes without you trying, it even changes when you hold on to it so tight or try to claw your way back to the past, and it changes even more so when you actively try.
You can give it a chance to happen. When you go to bed early, you have no control over when you’ll actually sleep, but falling asleep early and quickly has a chance of even happening. Even if you lie awake for 1-2 hours every night, the chances of better sleep are higher than if you hadn’t went to bed. You can’t know whether eating better will fix anything, but you can’t rule it out either. Being lucky is putting yourself somewhere to increase the chances, increase your control of the random variables. The rest is preparation. Whenever you prepare, you always become more lucky, because you raise the odds. Don’t focus on a loss or win, focus on the odds.
You can’t lose sight of the larger picture. You can’t stop the pain, but you can give it a higher chance to pass or lessen. You can do things that make you or others proud, things that are hard and satisfying. You can make a little progress and it’s still progress.
You can do things to feel alive. Scream out of the window, punch your pillow, draw in your face, get drunk, fight, go for a run, apply somewhere you don’t wanna work at with a joke CV, spray graffiti onto a train, help someone steal necessities, seed torrents, do urban parkour or bungee jumping, dress in outrageous clothes, show up on the stage of an improv night with nothing prepared, send someone a glitter bomb, sell all your belongings except bed, laptop, phone and bare necessities.
If you think nothing matters and life is over and you don’t care whether you live and die, then use it and do things without fear of the consequences; might as well before the party is over. It might get you out of whatever brain funk you’re in. Sometimes you have to shock yourself out of it.
If you’re empty and don’t know who you are, literally nothing stops you from just deciding to wake up a different person with different goals, values and hobbies. You can just roleplay that. Give yourself a different name in your head, take the different route, go somewhere you have never been before, join Discord servers with interests your made up character has, talk differently. Why the fuck not? What would your character wear? What’s their backstory? Reinvent yourself, own it. If you’re so done and have nothing left to fight for, what do you have to lose?
Do anything to see a new point of view, to get new connections in your brain.