thought catalogue 2
I know what triggers a relapse in disordered eating, but right now I am not in the position to change that those are happening to me; I can do my best to get it to change and do anything to help it, but the actual shift in circumstances is out of my hands.
I just know that feeling underwhelmed/underchallenged, an uncertain future and too little socializing trigger it. Whenever I am appropriately challenged, learning, solving problems and being busy in a flow state, my mind can let go over obsessing about food. Same happens when I can actually feel like I have a stable future I can plan for. And I also have a sharp decrease in disordered thoughts and compulsions when I am socializing a lot - events, game groups, visiting friends for a week.
But I just can’t move closer to my friends yet, I can’t influence my spouse’s job situation, I can try to get better qualifications to do more interesting and engaging jobs but it all takes time to finish and find and build experience. I can just try my best in exams and opportunities, and socialize at events here, and make time every other month to visit people - that’s it.
Slightly related, it’s so hard to be genuinely good at what you do and considered hard-working and responsible and intelligent by bosses or whatever because they won’t let you go when you need to. Exceptional bosses will see your individual potential and need for growth, acknowledge if they can’t give you that and help make a transfer happen to where your skills are better suited and you can grow. But most of them have to be a little bit selfish, maybe even overestimate what they can truly offer, and want to keep you for themselves, not wanting to lose someone like that. And they’ll try hard to accommodate you somehow and the effort is appreciated, but feels hollow if the new tasks feel made up and on paper rather than something that actually transforms your day-to-day work. Sigh.
I am also afraid I am running out of time to move to where my friends are. They’ve spent years now doing weekly board game nights, cooking nights and more; what if they grow out of it, grow tired of it before I can move there? Now is the time for so many important life decisions that change your availability and area - you’ll move for jobs, move for additional university education, move for housing, you maybe start dating more seriously, or you plan for and have a baby. Priorities change.
My friend recently announced that he’s going to buy an apartment the next few weeks and he will renovate it. He’s the first one of us all to buy property. It’s surreal. He also feels overwhelmed and that it’s his first real adult decision. It’s wild seeing someone your age for the first time tackle this big responsibility. The apartment is not in the city he lives in right now, but thankfully just a city over. But still. It didn’t have to be. It could’ve been moving across the country instead, and then it would have been the first event that would have ripped everything apart.
This year feels endless. So slow. So full.