the office makes me feel lonely
I would rather be alone during work because of being a freelancer/contractor or fulfilling a specific role in an organization, than being part of a bigger team and be lonely because everyone gets along better and leaves me out because they got used to me not being there.
I’m tired of being blamed for it, by myself mostly. Ask about their life, show interest, tell them about yours, join lunch when you can, visit them in their office… okay, for what though, if it is not reciprocated or stops after me not being there for 2 weeks or more?
Objectively rude and disrespectful people who are openly proud of being difficult and hang up signs about it in their office are somehow liked and better connected here than me. A factor is time, of course; I’ve been here for 4 years, they’ve been here for 20. But still. I am over it. I could be at home and be comfortable, but I have to come here just to get my nose rubbed into the fact that everyone is closer to each other here than I am, and people prefer talking to the office racist.
Being well-liked elsewhere doesn’t translate to other spaces for me. It’s intense how much this kills my spirit. Feels like I am back in school. I can’t believe I still have to deal with this invisible wall between me and others.
Maybe I’m not the problem. It takes a lot of warmth to notice this cold.