some things didn’t change
I should have realized in school that certain things will never change.
I will just never be able to make myself give a shit about the minutiae of other people’s lives if we are forced to spend time together by proximity, like school or work.
I want them to live well and be happy, but I cannot muster the energy to do a convincing act of caring about the fact that they mowed their front lawn yesterday. I’ll just uhuh and yes and oooh and it’s not enough anyway.
People will say listening is enough and letting them go on and on, but not in my case. They can smell it and they stop talking to me like that, and then everyone else has better relationships with each other at work than they do with me, at least based on how much they talk and what they tell each other.
I think my behavior is fine among men but in a majority women-based workplace, relationships mean a lot and are always performed in your face, so you feel like the odd one out. I also just never feel like I’d get the same behavior they have towards each other if I talk at my coworkers about meaningless shit (to them) in my life. I have a filter where I think “Why should I tell them that? Why would they care? They wouldn’t understand anyway.” and they don’t, so they talk at each other about boring stuff and it works.
One coworker will show a picture on the phone and say how the best friend of her cousin did this or that, the other person seems genuinely interested, and then follows up with similar stuff as that. Meanwhile what would I say? I stopped talking to my mum? I tried to plan a MtG game with a friend and postponed it 3 times and now I’m ashamed? They know I go on vacation in 10 days, what else is there to say?
Even if I share things, I have to do it again and again as everyone just forgets and acts like they just heard that the first time. What gives?
I think I just genuinely cannot hide how much this bores me. Unless I click with a person, then I just cannot care. And if I actively dislike you, it’s even worse. Your words are like nails on a chalkboard.
It even happens with people I deeply care about. I can absolutely not focus on anything they’re saying if it’s not relevant to me or my interests, and I don’t do it on purpose. I wanna listen and care, but I don’t control that switch. My mind starts wandering when you yap to me about anime. If you put anything else relevant in the same convo, like chores or an appointment, I won’t hear it.
At school, I just wanted to be left alone at many times, especially breaks and before the first class. The others all loved talking and screaming and laughing loudly and talking to each other about stuff, but I couldn’t muster the energy. Seems like I’m just like that.
On the other hand, if I really ask you anything and listen attentively, it means I genuinely care. I can’t fake it.