romanticizing suffering
I wish so badly that I could romanticize suffering. I can romanticize discomfort, friction, and long term gratification. That builds resilience, discipline and patience.
But I just cannot get myself to like or enjoy suffering. I cannot see a way in which it is benefitting me or is part of some greater plan. On the other hand, delving into absurdism because of the lack of sense or positive side also doesn’t help me. I can’t accept suffering just for what it is without trying to assign reason and meaning. I need a story. I need to sell it to myself.
Maybe others who assign deep meaning to suffering talk of a different suffering. Mine just feels hopeless, all-consuming, painful, debilitating, depressing and life-threatening. Maybe they think of suffering as overdrawing their bank account a bit at the end of the month or unrequited love or studying harder for few weeks, getting a job rejection or living with a shitty roommate for a year. If yes, then I guess I am on board.
But just plain old suffering is absolutely nasty and irredeemable. I truly wish I could go through it with acceptance and trusting that this is life, this is good. When I lie in bed with pain so much I can’t move, or feel like killing myself at work, I just can’t see that as a good thing at all.
Like oh my god have I not suffered enough? Every time I suffer I feel more sensitive to it next time. I deserve a break. Suffering scares me, it makes me realize how chaotic and unstable everything is, how everything depends on random luck, it all feels unfair and like everything is just survival and competition, and that I am just like everyone else, I’m not the main character with plot armor. It’s terrible.
If I suffer it doesn’t have to lead to anything good. I’m not an Olympian doing rigorous training. I’m someone with a chronic illness and an unfitting job. Continuing to work there saves my financial survival and that’s it. Suffering from chronic illness doesn’t give me any expertise or useful achievement. Studying hard for an exam can still mean I fail. Months of “suffering” in the gym can be undone with 3 weeks of suffering from disease.
It can’t be all suffering. Please.
That said, I need a sign from the universe, a blessing, a path forward, an insane lucky coincidence that helps me with my career and/or studies, please.