recovery
I wish I would have continued to recover fully and never relapsed. I think every recovery attempt after the first one sucks and is so much harder than the first. It’s too easy to go “Yeah you tried that already and failed, it’s hopeless, it will just repeat.” It’s like you only get one proper shot and the other attempts feel like you’re trying to catch up to the first one. And now you’re neither good at starving nor eating.
I’m working on regaining trust in my body. I’m working on witnessing that it’s not out of control or volatile anymore. I don’t know how to feel safe in it, though. How do you feel safe in a body that could turn on you again every day and that might need medication that makes you rise like dough? It made me hate food, it made me ashamed, it made me hide my body.
Relapsing makes me feel like a criminal. I don’t think I can admit it anywhere, because anything is deemed promoting it. It’s like I’m not sick, just an asshole making others sick. I keep it to myself. It’s hard not to get worse when my coworkers talk about one other coworker who is becoming sickly thin. I’m competitive.
I saw many things today that made recovery feel possible and desirable again, at least. And I just had a proper meal.