polyamory
Being polyamorous is something I usually keep quiet about. It just never leads to anything good when people know; I might have it listed here and there, but that's about it. I don't want to explain myself directly to anyone, I don't want to argue, I don't want to convince anyone. If you don't want to date me or sleep with me, it doesn't affect you.
That said, I don't only do it for the judgement and inevitable arguments with some people... it's also that I don't really relate to the most publicly visible polyamorous people online that shape the view people have about polyamory. It sucks to say, but I neither relate nor do I want to be compared to them. I don't want to be put in the same box. This sounds like I am judging them, which I am not (except for the assholes, I guess), but this is also a reason I don't usually publicly talk about it - I would go on to describe the ways in which I am not like them, and it would come across as if I think I am somehow better, more morally pure or whatever, which I don't mean to.
It's just... when people talk about the stereotypes, I get them. There really are a lot of people in the community with dyed hair, that don't fit the beauty standards, that are overweight. Yes, there are people in the community who use it as an excuse to cheat and to abuse people. People that claim polyamory when cheating and getting caught, and who don't care for consent. People that have an issue with commitment and attachment, so they keep running and running, keeping multiple people at arms length. People who treat dating like a hobby and do nothing else. People that treat others like replacements, like there are just spots to fill in their life, like they're recruiting new talent into an employment situation. Some very obviously use sex an an escapism or might even be sex addicts. There are huge polycules that seemingly only exist because of shared housing and drugs, especially among queer and trans spaces. And there are too many couples who seek a third like a toy, or who open a dead relationship because they think that's how they can save it. And it all sucks to varying degrees (except being overweight and "ugly", that's harmless, who cares! People are just mad that others they deem below them get more love).
These negative examples are simply true; go on to the subreddit, FB groups and especially Discord servers dedicated to it and you'll see all of these. But as usual, the most visible aren't always a good representation for all. I can't believe I even feel the need to write this down, like some justification, like some new version of "I'm not like the other girls", like a polyamorous pick-me, but it has to be somewhere. Gotta get it off my chest.
Every time I see judgment about polyamory online, it's always these groups, and "I've never seen a poly person who isnt xyz." and I just wanna scream: I am literally right here. But it would be useless, anyway.
I don't have dyed hair (but admittedly, I used to as a teen). I'm thin. I'm conventionally attractive. I've been in a relationship for many years and have dated no one else in the meantime, despite the relationship being open, and neither has my partner. It just didn't happen. Sometimes we didn't want to, other times I might have wanted to but no one caught my eye, and many times I was simply too busy, or sick, or preferred to spend more time by myself or with my partner. My partner says she is comfortable with just me.
I just... don't need to force having more than one partner. If it happens, it happens. If I want to, I guess I'll make a profile somewhere or go to meetups or Discord servers and see, but I never felt the need to. If I want to have sex with someone else, I'll just ask my partner if it's okay, but it just hasn't come up. I'm not commitmentphobic, otherwise I wouldn't have been accidentally monogamous for years now, and I wouldn't have proposed, and I wouldn't be marrying. I also think my partner has raised the bar tremendously and I already had high standards, so I just don't really feel the need to search like crazy and settle for a rando just to have more than one.
We also have polyamorous friends and they are the same way and very low-profile. There is never any drama there. Their relationships aren't toxic or abusive. The thing is, of course you'd post the negative online, the relationship falling apart, the toxicity, and asking for advice on subreddits; it's like reviews for products that tend to be more negative because people are more likely to complain than put in the effort to write something when they're happy and content. It's a bias. But judging polyamory by r/polyamory is like judging monogamous relationships by r/relationship_advice or r/AITA. It would be crazy.
If you're coming at me about that explosive open relationship fail you witnessed, to me it's like talking to you about my parents' divorce when you tell me you're in a monogamous relationship. It's just weird. It's like being the guy at a wedding that holds a speech and talks about the divorce rates. Read the room.
I know it's more entertaining and fun to believe that it's super juicy and dramatic and the people are always looking weird and are into weird kink shit but really, I think many are quite boring and "normal", like me. I just don't really advertise it because it's not a huge part of my life... like um, yeah, I am open to dating outside of my marriage, but I most likely won't date you.