parenthood observations
Been reflecting recently how different familial obligation seems to play out where I live. The poor families tend to stick together, but the ones more well off are having a seemingly hard time being truly supportive of their children, which seems paradox. They have all that space, big houses, enough money, more time than many others who have to work so much, but they are extremely possessive of those resources and time.
My family is/was poor and there is absolutely no space for me, no perceived obligation whatsoever, so that is one of the exceptions.
I just see so many parents count down the days until their child is 18 years old just to kick them out, even when their relationship is good or even great. Either that, or they'll charge their child rent immediately. Then once the child is out, anything about being a family except for some aesthetic images here and there is basically removed. That era is over. Now the parents get to pretend to have been childless except here and there. The home turns sterile, white, grey, minimalistic, more aesthetic than useful. The childhood room(s) are immediately renovated to be an office space, crafting space, guest room or whatever else. New floors for the kitchen and living room and whatever else. Removal of garden stuff.
I see how many financially comfortable parents just don't have the time for their children at all. 18 years of having to sacrifice is made up for by always traveling, being gone, not having time - which I understand a bit, but it seems almost excessive. If the child is struggling, they'd rather give it money than have to talk to them or them moving back in, even if it's just crashing there between apartments or jobs for a few weeks. Everything is at arms length now. That is so crazy to me in these economic times where people struggle to afford rent, find apartments and find jobs.
I guess it already starts early here, when families who are well off don't let you have dinner with them when you play with your friend. You're upstairs in their room waiting and starving while your friend has dinner with their family downstairs. Meanwhile at many poorer families, everyone is welcome and enough is cooked for everyone. It's wild. The reasoning for not offering dinner to guest children was always some made-up bullshit like "Your parents probably want you to have dinner with them later."
Why is all that? Why are western, white parents like this? As a child of them, you always feel like a burden. Like something they endured, tolerated, had to do because of laws. It's like they don't genuinely like you and don't want you around if they don't have to. Like 18 years of you just existing in their vicinity was so bad that for the rest of their life they have to recover and not let you creep back in. You're scrubbed from their existence, like you were a temporary experiment. Even if you had a good relationship while living with them, suddenly when you're out of the home you see them remove anything that made it a family home and pretend you weren't ever there. How is that supposed to make you feel? You see how they suddenly put up walls, like a contract ran out.
It reminds me of my partner. She lived in that family home for 23 years and grew up there. Then she moved out and her room was immediately repurposed. Now when she wants to visit, she has to announce it and her mum got mad when she used the hidden key one time to let herself in when her mum was late. Like? That's literally her home too? She lived there for decades and as a child, and now you're going to treat her like a coworker that's invited for dinner?
It's weird, because when they tell stories about their life, there was cooperation and a duty of family to show up and help. They'll tell you how long they lived at home, or how they had to crash at their family members' place for a while, how this other family member contributed to their car or knew someone who could get them an apartment... it seems like that's dying out. I know my soon-to-be-inlaws have empty apartment space and empty rooms in their house, but they'd never let any of us crash there for more than a few days to visit them or as a vacation thing, meanwhile one of them told us about when she had to live with her aunt and uncle when she couldn't find a job as a young adult.
What went wrong with that generation that they are so hellbent on absolving themselves of being parents for life? Your child wasn't just a pet that disappears after 18 years. We are in such a privileged, rich country here and many of us are more well-off than the rest of the world, without even being considered middle or upper class where we live. But despite all the resources, the safety, everyone is encouraged to fend for themselves, and families support that too - because you used it all up in the 18 years of dependence on them that you never signed up for or agreed to, and now you're on your own. It's sick! How are you going to pretend parenthood didn't change you? How do you not carry parenthood in your heart during the rest of your life?
How are your children supposed to become parents in this day and age, if they have no village - because the village is "protecting their peace" by hoarding resources and time?