obsessions / compulsions
I'm not diagnosed with OCD, but there are some things that I struggled with over the years, some still struggle with.
- I can only allow myself to eat the same food once a day. So if I eat bread in the morning I can't have it the rest of the day. I am able to make exceptions for beverages now.
- I used to notice this compulsion at work where specific toilet stalls were for specific actions, and I had to close the stall door right. I was scared of this developing into something severe, so I tried my hardest to stop it and now it's not a problem at all anymore.
- I struggle with flashes of violent imagery, for example because I suddenly think "What if the house collapsed" "What if this person just got ran over by that car" "What if my spouse just got stabbed" out of nowhere and against my will and then see it mentally. Especially lately, I have been struggling with intrusive thoughts about dying, like me dying right now, my spouse dying, etc. and I have to check.
- I have issues with looking at or interacting with children and always have, because I am scared of hurting them, or that I accidentally do something inappropriate, and I hyperanalyze my behavior and thoughts and body sensations around them because I feel like I have to make sure that I have no bad thoughts of reactions around them. I often cannot even look at them because I have this fear that if I look at them that means I am secretly pedophilic (I am not, I fear this is genuinely just a bit of POCD). Like this is something I think is so bad and awful that my mind goes into overdrive trying to make sure I am not that.
- I used to struggle a lot with obsessions in relationships, romantic and platonic. I obsessed over if I like them enough, if they like me enough, if the fact that I find this small part annoying about them means I should cut them off or is a sign they aren't right for me, or a sign that I don't like them. I became overly fixated on having to make this decision as soon as possible to not get stuck in a friendship or relationship that is bad and to not lie to them, and that if I don't find out soon it will be too late and then bad things will happen. It made me ghost a lot of people, clear out my friend lists, make pros/cons lists about people etc. and it was really toxic. I related to a lot of ROCD content. I'm glad I recovered from it.
It feels good typing that out, like I freed myself a little from this.