no boundaries
The recent Doja stuff is why I consider people pleasers and people without boundaries to be lowkey dangerous. Not dangerous in a predatory, threatening your life kinda way, but in the sense that they will lie to your face, reassure you, be kind, reciprocate, and send every damn signal they can to communicate that they’re okay with something when they’re not. And best case you get a message later on that clarifies that they didn’t actually feel that way and it throws you off, but worst case, and this happens more often, is that they will run to every other person who will listen complaining about how uncomfortable you made them, like you’re the big villain.
I have only ever personally been affected by this when it was non-physical, like things we talked about, but this can totally apply to physical things like hugs, as seen here. And it’s so damaging because once again someone doesn’t stand up for themselves but not only that, they’re actively encouraging what makes them feel bad, and later on feel like they were violated and let themselves down by not speaking up. And the other person will now not be able to trust their own judgment anymore and withdraw from people because they don’t wanna make anyone uncomfortable by accident. Because when you go through that, what can you still rely on? Apparently people smile and hug you back and compliment you when they actually hate to be in your presence. It shatters the trust you have in communicating with others.
And in this case, it’s even worse because of the context of “a man making a woman u comfortable” and there’s even a huge power difference. She didn’t need to tweet about it, or like that specifically. She knows her fans will go after that man.
That’s always what I hate about people pleasers; they’ll externalize their anger about betraying themselves onto you when you had no chance to know differently as you couldn’t read their mind. Then they go around seeking validation from everyone about it. When I clock this tendency in you I stay the hell away. How can anyone trust you when you’re so comfortable lying? How can anyone walk away from an interaction with you and not be scared what it will get twisted into? Your consent to anything is void. You have retroactively revoked it too many times.
It’s so annoying because every time you meet someone new you have to feel out if they’re one of those - where you have to do the labor of managing their emotions and boundaries for them, guessing them and not believing them when they say something is okay. I dated someone like that once and it was hell. It’s disappointing to see that so many say they’re the same way or “as a woman you have to do that to survive!” Give me a fucking break. Yes, when you’re secluded, alone, etc. you have to manage men’s emotions and sometimes have to play along, but playing along doesn’t mean laughing your ass off, hugging them back, wrapping your leg around them and complimenting them, and also: not when you’re surrounded by people, there’s a camera and your body guards are nearby. It’s sooooo silly to pretend otherwise. That woman was safe and had no reason to enter some sort of survival mode with that guy.