narcissist vibes
I’ve been very very shy in the past (especially as a teen), very withdrawn, very comfortable with working on my own, very non-communicative because I was anxious, I was scared, I had no social skills, I didn’t wanna offend or be hurt and mocked or do something wrong. I thought I protected others and myself by acting this way and it was better for me to be out of the way and not bother anyone.
But instead of being read as neutral or helpful or at least as the shyness and self hate that it was, all that behavior did was make me look odd, arrogant, self-absorbed, and like I think I’m better than others. I didn’t think I was worthwhile or skilled or had anything to offer, meanwhile others were intimidated by me. When others think you’re smart or pretty or whatever and you’re shy, it doesn’t read as shyness, just arrogance. I was beating myself up inside while I came across as someone who did the exact opposite.
Looking back, I realized that after a lot of intentional change, it’s better to be confident and loving yourself and coming across as all the above, than suffering inside and still coming across as that.
If people are going to think it anyway, at least I want to actually have the positive self image they think I have. I don’t think anyone still reads me like that, but even if they were, at least I am not shooting myself in the foot anymore. It’s so bad when you try your hardest to not draw attention to yourself and hide yourself away to seem nicer and end up coming across as an asshole without even talking to people. That was the opposite of what I wanted.
Now if I admit that I think I’m pretty on most days, or I talk about good stuff in my life or things I’m proud of, or what I think I deserve, my standards, my achievements, and someone reads that as arrogant and narcissistic? I can deal with that. I can understand their perspective. But at least I am not thinking the worst about me and my life while they do that, like it used to be.
Literally if the outcome is the same, choose the less hurtful and damaging option. If they think you’re some confident diva (in a positive way!), why not become that? It’s not like it would make things worse, quite the opposite.
When the world has made you feel like shit growing up, the best fuck you to it is not killing yourself and instead loving yourself in defiance.