midas touch
I have the midas touch when it comes to irl friendships. Online was never a problem and those were the most friendships I had, but irl was tough. It wasn’t even that I fought with people that ended friendships, I was just incredibly unlucky with who I clicked with.
Since kindergarten, actually. The child I liked to play with the most? Transferred kindergarten. The same happened in elementary. Then during the switch to middle school, the people I liked went on to a different one than me. In my time at that school, classes got mixed up inbetween so I was ripped out of that too. Another person I looked up to moved to the other side of the country. Then I found the best friend group ever, like in the movies or books - but then it was actually my family who moved. I tried to stay in contact with them, they didn’t reciprocate, so I dropped it.
In the new school, I promptly failed that grade and had to repeat, losing the people I had just spent a year befriending. In the new grade, I befriended multiple people who ended up either completely dropping out of school or transferring or repeating. The ones that were left graduated with me just to move to foreign countries or half across the country for specific universities and degrees. I stayed.
When I went to uni, I tried my hardest to befriend people. It was hard because I couldn’t make as much time as others for meeting at cafés or parties. I lost connection to that group. The other person I was close with dropped out to do a different degree and we lost contact. Later, I dropped out too for a traineeship instead. Met great people there. But the person I was closest to there and loved hanging out with dropped out due to spine injuries and was then hard to get a hold of, barely responded. The other person I cared about was more of a one-way street and ended up dropping out to do a traineeship in geriatric care instead. The last one to stay one day blew up at me and called me an asshole for saying she should have installed Teams sooner when she couldn’t get it to work for a class. Whatever, man. Haven’t talked to her since.
After that, almost everyone moved away for job offers all over the country. I stayed. The only other person to do so too stopped replying or meeting up with me when her dad died. I get that; no hard feelings. It’s been 4 years now though. Then the other friends I made were the ambitious kind with a rich family life and tons of existing friends, so never had time for me. It was always this or that with family or a friend.
Started studying something else again at a distanced learning university and tried to make friends again. Worked out well initially, even found someone from my city and we met up; but first she dropped out, then the other one I was talking to a lot dropped out due to Covid brain damage.
I also made an effort to befriend people at work, but at some point they all applied somewhere else sooner or later and left for greener pastures.
I always thought I’d have my shit together until I marry, so I have someone I can invite to my wedding, but no. All I have are my partner’s friends and family. Everyone else I ever liked and clicked with moved away or dropped out and chose not to keep up the connection no matter how much work I put in, or were too busy for me.
I have literally never had a friend irl for more than 3 years. With lovers, my partner is the record with 4 years. I know 2 online people for 5 now. I cannot even comprehend that there are people who know their friends for 10 years or more. Literally everyone has always been yanked away from me. What do you mean your best friend is the one from kindergarten? Their parents never moved and they didn’t either? They didn’t drop out and studying different things didn’t end contact? They actually made time for you despite other friends and family? I cannot even imagine living like that…