living alone
I have a hard time dealing with people who are in a bad mood.
Growing up, I was scared of my mum coming home. That’s when the terror would start. Entering my room, complaining, yelling, slamming doors, insulting me, accusing me of something. Then the silent treatment, refusing to speak with me. Telling me she isn’t gonna do this and that anymore, that we’re gonna live like roommates. As young as 10! And it didn’t only last for a little while; it often was days. I was minding my business and my peace was disturbed whenever she came home.
Then later on, I lived with someone and we broke up, which left me vulnerable because they had refused to give me a lease to sign (they owned the place). So no tenant’s rights. So every time they came home, I was terrified of a fight, of being kicked out and accused of something.
After that I swore I’d never move in with someone again, and so far, I’ve kept it up.
Everyone deserves to have a shoulder to cry on, people are allowed to have a bad day - but no matter how hard I work on it and how much I know it’s a different situation, something in me is always scared when the apartment door is unlocked from the outside and something in me is scared, annoyed, angry, helpless if that person happens to have a bad mood because something happened. Realistically, we’re going to talk about it, cuddle, eat and it will be alright. But internally, I just wanna run. I wish I wasn’t there. I wish they didn’t have keys to my apartment.
And it would only be worse if I didn’t live alone, where I would have nowhere else to go and nowhere else to send them.
I recognize in these moments that I’m being irrational, but I also acknowledge that there’s a reason I feel that way. I am angry for you ruining my peace in my own home where my safe space is supposed to be. It’s because it never was for most of my life and now I have spent years cultivating it by living alone. Even if your bad mood is harmless and not directed at me, these moments always solidify why I need to live on my own.
Living alone to me means:
- No fear about people coming in, or coming when I wanna be alone
- No guests unless I want to
- Protection from others’ moods
- My space belongs to me - no fridge that’s bursting with stuff I won’t eat while making it hard to reach mine, no stuff cluttered over my desk and dinner table making it hard to use, no stuff strewn around on the sofa so I can’t sit on it, no piles of dishes cluttering up the kitchen because of elaborate meals with 3 pans or something….
- Freedom to get up and move around freely - turn on lights, open blinds and shutters, get ready, vacuum, play music, type on a keyboard, sew etc. whenever I want, not scared of waking or bothering anyone else
- No one spying on my trash or arguing about what I throw away
- Quiet whenever I want, not just before people get up or after they went to bed
- Not having to justify myself and tell why I’m going outside, where, why, for how long
- Going to the kitchen or eating without it being commented on
- Cooking for myself whatever I want without having to consider other people’s preferences, and not being forced to go along with their dinner plans because “If you don’t eat it with me I won’t make it, even though I crave it” or “If you aren’t there to eat with me I won’t eat and just starve” (my mum)
It’s difficult because of course, companionship comes at a price. Sometimes you’ll get annoyed, bothered, hurt, inconvenienced, but that’s what you pay for all the advantages and upsides. I know this. It’s just difficult for me to pay the price when it feels so much higher to me than to others because of how I grew up. It hurts me more than it all should. I simply have a hard time coexisting in the same space.
I love space, and others will take it up with all their stuff. I love quiet, and others will cut through it with their noise. I love peace, and others will squash it with their moods and picking fights. I know living together can’t always be harmonious, but how do I learn to let small things not bother me and not let the past define how I deal with these situations?
I just always internalized that there is no space for me where others live. I have my room in it and that’s it. Not allowed to hang out anywhere else, or risk becoming a target. No bringing people over. No space to put my stuff elsewhere, it was full of theirs. No input on the rest of the living space. They rent or own the place, I am tolerated for as long as they have to. No, never again. Now I am in control.