it isn't actually harder, just different
I was doing stuff at home, tidying up, while I thought to myself: What I am dealing with right now is so much harder than stuff before. Before, I always knew what had to change and how to do it, but now I don't.
But that's not true at all. I don't even know why I felt that way for a few minutes. Back then, what had to change was clear, but it was unclear when or how that will happen. I needed to move out and away from my parent, but when? What kind of job would I do? Would I be paid enough to be able to afford my own apartment? How could I become independent of my mother, as someone super sheltered and raised to be extremely reliant on her? Just because I did end up making it by applying to stuff and moving out at some point doesn't mean the path forward was clear.
Right now, it's actually similar: I DO know what I need to do. I need to quit my job and find something that works better for me, and I need to move. These are the top two things that make me unhappy and would change everything for the better. But the path towards that isn't clear - it's so hard to find housing, especially over 400km away, it's hard to find jobs in this job market, especially also that far away. It's even harder to get both to align time-wise, and it's hard because my spouse doesn't have a job that is sought after or that they could internally transfer to one of their other cities close to where we wanna live. That would be a huge advantage, but no. My spouse is unemployed, and in a field that is insanely hard to get into, with very little jobs, and with almost zero job experience in that field. It would be good if they would search for a job there first, but they are understandably resisting to that a bit because it could pull us apart as they move down there for a new job and I am stuck here with my current one. It would be ideal, though highly unlikely, if they found a job that could pay for both of us so I could quit, move down there at the same time, and then search there. But instead, I am the one with the only job right now, and I wanna quit and change jobs, even if it's just internally, even if that would keep me in this area for longer.
It all seems so impossible, I don't know how others do it. But the point is: I felt this hopeless, insecure, overwhelmed and unsure of how to proceed with what needs to be done in the past already, too. It is the same way I felt back then; I also felt like it was impossible for me to move out and work, but I have been doing that a few years now.
But: Knowing what needs to be done is only half of it, you need to actually also be able to follow through, and that is so hard sometimes. I wish it would just be easy fixes, like it sometimes used to be, like: Walk outside more. Get up earlier. Eat better. But instead there need to be two new jobs, combining two households into one into an apartment, 400km away.
I feel like I have moved my quarter life crisis to now, 5 years delayed. At 25, I was slaying: Starting my dream job, being well paid, permanent position, starting a degree on the side. But now 5 years later, being sick of that job and workplace culture, still in the middle of that degree, and wanting to move, wanting to switch careers a bit and getting extra qualifications and trying to get practical experience, it's all rough. It's my crisis of being unsure how to proceed and what I want in life. It's banging against the walls of everything I have built because I've outgrown it. It's like a giant trapped in a house.
There are so many apartment horrors that you feel guilty and bad if you have to move at all, because my apartment is good and rent is affordable, so I feel like I ought to be grateful and just never move out. It paralyzes you. Job feels the same way, with some advantages, comforts and protections others don't have. But those don't make up for the rest, and I can't take it anymore.
I would honestly even at some point just move and work as a cashier or barista if I had to, but what stops me is that they all have started to severely punish you for that. I remember I used to study something else until I finally found what I wanted to do, just so I would have no gap on my resume, and I still have to justify myself for that unfinished degree, almost 10 years later. A gap is bad, but now doing anything else that doesn't fit into your career narrative is bad, too. So I can only imagine how it looks like trying to apply for (my career choice) positions but working at the supermarket. At the end, I might be stuck there because no one will take me, and it forever stains my resume, ruining my life.
It makes me mad how easy it was for prev generations to get hired. Be at some party, walk in and shake hands, give them your resume in the shop, the manager being the neighbor of your uncle, meet the CEO on the street and help him... it's insane how much they managed to get into great positions by sheer luck. No assessment centers, no 5 rounds of interviews, no several expensive pieces of paper needed to show your worth. It used to be "cool new project, I wanna get in on that" and they made it work and rose up the ranks. Now at my employer, it's "cool new project" and they don't wanna take any risks, so they search for the cream of the crop while also paying insanely low, so that no one even applies, but I am barred from doing this job, because my degree isn't finished yet. It is nuts! In the practical sense, I could do that job, and I want to. But someone, somewhere, that I will never meet or work with, just decided that this needs this or that qualification and there's nothing they can do. No proving myself, no exception, no getting to know me, no hiring for the actual skills - just paper selection. They are out there preferring to just not hire anyone on that position and lose out, than hire someone who is in the process of getting the paper qualification and who otherwise fits the standards.
I don't know what to do anymore, man. Everywhere you look, the same shit. Expensive rent, moldy apartments, horrible landlords; barely any jobs, and only for senior stuff or things I don't have yet; I ask for projects at work, they all turn out to be nothingburgers that have like 1 meeting in a quarter, I ask for internal transfers to exciting and cool teams that want me, and it gets denied by the top. Longterm unemployment of so many I know. No one can afford shit anymore, or if they can do groceries and rent, they for sure can't buy a house. It is sickening. I don't want to do this anymore. Everywhere is an impenetrable wall