i refuse to love people that don't want to be loved
I think this is at the core of what made me cut off my whole family and keep my mum at arms length. I refuse to love people that don't want to be loved.
If you hate yourself a lot, you lash out. You sabotage your relationship to others. You accuse them of stuff that isn't true because you're insecure, or you wanna be the one that leaves first, or you want to drive them away because you think they deserve better. You treat yourself badly; you abuse your body, you poison it, you keep it caged, you don't take your meds, you don't move, you stay in bad situations on purpose.
Loving people like that hurts me. Loving them feels one-sided, insecure, dissatisfying. It feels like I am loving in vain. I was tired of proving again and again that I mean no harm, that I am sincere and that they are worth loving. I was tired of loving someone that doesn't love themselves and apparently doesn't want me to, either. People who hurt you over and over again by hurting themselves.
It's out of selfish reasons, too: I don't want to love someone that is doing their best to die earlier. If you don't take your meds, if you don't go to the doctor, if you binge and drink to blackout and take hard drugs and risk it all despite pre-existing conditions and work to actively worsen them, I cut myself off from you. If you don't love yourself enough to do your best to survive, why should I? If you know better but actively go against the advice of doctors, family, common sense, your own body, then why should the others around you suffer for that and still attempt to love and save you over and over again?
If you say you aren't worth loving, you're terrible, I should just leave you alone etc. - I will take your word for it. If you say you are a shitty parent and will never be a good one, I believe you. If you say I don't care about you anyway and will just leave you like the rest, I will do just that. Your self-fulfilling prophecy works well on me!
I worked hard to stop self-sabotaging, stop hating myself, stop hating my life, stop hurting myself, and instead started to believe in myself, invest in myself and be nice to myself. So I love myself too much to surround myself with people that don't do the same. Selfharm and a negative view of oneself is literally so infectious, I can't risk it. I'm sorry that you want to spend all this time on earth miserable, and that you're watching the clock eagerly until the time runs out, but I don't want to spend my time on earth like this. I'll let you do it, though.
The time on this earth can be extremely short or insanely long. Usually it's way too short when we're having fun, and it's dreadfully long if we are suffering. If I might have 50 years more ahead of me, I want to be proactive and make sure many of them are as good as they can be within my control. It's better than making sure everything is as miserable as possible and wasting away waiting for death.
It's also an airplane oxygen kind of situation - putting the oxygen mask on myself first before helping others. But I know your kind would rip off my oxygen mask because you want a companion in suffering and you hate to see others do better, so I won't even come near you.