i need a break
I just need lots of breaks while socializing, or rather, short bursts of socializing, instead of huge chunks of it. I need to be able to go home and be alone. I need to be able to retreat for a few hours until I return. I need to be able to be in the same room doing my own thing at times without being actively involved.
I attended a big party on Saturday, then I was with some of them attending an event with lots of people on Sunday, and then one of them went home with my spouse and I, and is staying at my spouse’s place until next Sunday. It’s Wednesday now. Tomorrow, another friend will arrive and stay a night. That will be over a week of intense socializing that I’m not used to. Usually it’s just my spouse and I and 90% of the day, we do our separate stuff in vicinity.
I thought I could handle it, but nah. I’m unfortunately in a more reclusive, low energy phase as well, so it’s even worse. I just can’t entertain someone for a week from 10am to 11pm, but my spouse wants that. I have called it quits yesterday at 10:30pm and was told “What? Already?” as if it was early.
Just nonstop playing of card games, board games, digital games. And whenever I just want to chill and just watch as they do something, I get pestered. “Why not? Come on! It’s just a game! Just a little while! Wow okay, then I guess we won’t do anything because we don’t wanna play without you!” so childish honestly. Why do I need to be pressured like that? Why do we have to play games all the time? Why literally hang out 12h every day? It’s crazy. Why not each do their own thing sometimes? Why not go grocery shopping together? Why not go on walks? Why not go to a museum? Literally all we do is sit on a sofa or at a table talking to eachother, like someone locked us in. The reasoning is “because we have lots of games to play!” and I guess so, but we have multiple 12h days ahead of us that also need to be filled with activities that shouldn’t feel so repetitive?
I’ve been moving activities to my spouse’s place so I can arrive when I’m ready and leave when I need to and be alone at mine. I also plan reasons for not being available: going to the city to grocery shop, going to the gym, etc. and I play games on my own or nap. I do that to create pauses and space that is otherwise not accepted and boundaries that would otherwise get trampled. I need to microdose this daily closeness or else I get burnt out by it and become annoyed at friends, and I don’t want to be.
It’s one thing to hang out 12h a day for like ~3 days. But if I know I’m in a socially withdrawn headspace AND it’s for an entire week that already started off intensely, I really need to stretch it out to make it work. It would happen with any person, has nothing to do with who’s there.
I just don’t have the social battery for this. Most of my daily life is me doing something on my own. Working, studying, blogging and journaling, playing single player games, drawing, reading, chores, exercise, watching TV series or YT… the things I do together are cooking (sometimes), eating, some specific YT creators and crosswords with my spouse. I get bothered if I can’t do my alone stuff.
This is the disadvantage of living far away from friends. Hangouts are always intense bursts with staying over, instead of a few hours here and there centered around activities where everyone goes home at the end :( I’m trying to make it work the best I can <3