i chose to speak up
In a recent argument, I got told that I should use my social capital for something that moves the needle. Not much more info than that. I chose not to ask further, because the other party was clearly hurt and that reply wasn’t entirely thought through.
What social capital are we talking about? My real life social capital, my online social capital? The one between us?
Offline, I guess I try to be a good influence by modeling a certain lifestyle and answering questions about it, helping people ease into it. I’m working in a job that controls the safety of an entire industry that is very important for our survival. I volunteer for a good cause on the side, too, but the work is more digital; it’s not a soup kitchen, after all.
Online (elsewhere than here), I try to talk about important issues and try to discredit and question some structures and companies, and try to educate about 12k people a month. I share links to helpful and interesting essays and sources, too.
If we are talking about interpersonal capital, the rapport we have built between each other, then I don’t really know how to move the needle (get someone to change their mind, I assume?) if the person says they won’t read the text I sent that contains the arguments. And honestly even if they did, I can’t influence what they take away from it. So if you choose not to engage with it and would not even consider changing your mind just based on how I criticized you, it is impossible for me to move the needle.
If it’s meant as a broader thing - like “You could do something more valuable with your time!” - then I disagree, too. Typing up some arguments for 20 seconds, then replying twice for 2 seconds and then choosing to drop it and move on cost me virtually no time. The stuff I detailed above is going on as usual and aren’t lessened to focus on talking to a friend.
I think that person knows all this though, it was probably just said defensively, and if I had engaged further and deconstructed that part, it would have just seemed like I was out to humiliate them or find fault in anything they say, so I didn’t.
It also revealed something else to me. The same person has admired me in the past for other online endeavors, especially the one mentioned above. I am able to work and study, they are unfortunately not able to. I do create things that, according to feedback I get, has changed some opinions and inspired lifestyle changes. You can’t say the same for the other person, who is isolated at home and makes cool creative stuff that they sadly almost never actually finish or release. So the pointer to using my social capital is clearly a little path to something the other person maybe feels insecure about.
It reminds me of when I roll my eyes at rich people and make jokes about them wiping their tears with dollar bills as they sit in the Mercedes, or think “Why don’t you just shut up and enjoy your indoor pool.”
My immediate reaction was to think “You don’t wanna go there” because honestly, who does it benefit? I may be squandering my time I could use for the important stuff, but by objective standards, you have not even built anything to squander. I also don’t like going there because it quickly gets ableist and equating able-bodied, neurotypical standards of success and the ability to generate capital with being a good person and/or doing good things, and that’s just wrong. We are both very sick, and it’s not fair to either of us.
After I said I didn’t mean to derail with this, and that we should return to the actual topic and answered it, they continued after, needing to have the last word. I’m okay with that. I didn’t let it rope me back in. I really didn’t want it to be a huge or serious thing, and I’m glad it was over quickly. I can’t deny that it possibly left the other person with unresolved feelings and things they wanted to say but now the moment is over, but I think I’m okay with everything that happened and what I said.
In general, I see it as a huge improvement for me, even if it didn’t seem that way from the outside and had a negative outcome. Years ago, it would have deeply upset me. I would have either engaged about the topic, all fired up, going back and forth over possibly hours until everything was said; or I would have swallowed it, ignored it, pushed it down and either said nothing or watered down my response and wrote something reassuring just to avoid conflict. I would feel bad, anxious, like I bottled it all up to protect the other person’s feelings. It wouldn’t have been a calm way to respond, but a pressed, insecure, scared way that doesn’t consider my feelings, just the other person’s.
But now, I can remain calm, move on from a topic, and even see the other person is mad at me but knowing that I stand by what I said and did what I think was right and appropriate. I chose my battles. I wasn’t moved by an overt emotional response, but a feeling of: No, I will engage about this, and I won’t take it back or center what I say around this person for a fear of conflict.
I could have been nicer about it. On the other hand, for years now this person has set the precedent for having callous black and white takes, butting into conversations just to call something dogshit, useless, etc. always in crass terms and no room for arguments, not taking into account that someone else might enjoy it, and without watering it down like “I personally think it’s bad”.
Everyone else just knows that’s how they are and treats it as funny or a joke or occasionally tiptoes around it. It is unfortunately a one-sided affair, as you would not be able to say anything they like is dogshit without a meltdown. Considering that we have always found our way around this conundrum, I think in that specific situation, I had something akin to a coupon to say “I think this take is dumb as fuck” instead of “I disagree”. I think it’s fair that after years, you meet someone where they’re at with the same energy. That’s also what I told them. It’s not that I had any built up resentment about this and this was a moment of revenge or being over it - I just thought it’s appropriate as the behavior to each other in this way was normalized by this person. Somewhat of a code switch, if you will.
I also discovered that they blocked me after, which I surprisingly feel neutral about. The beef is obviously one-sided: I push back against the opinion, and I point out that this is completely in line with how they usually act, and then I’m able to move on. The interaction itself didn’t change how I view them at all, since I am already used to this, and I may be annoyed at the behavior or opinion, but not really the person behind it. But to them, it’s kinda a personal insult and changes how they view me, which I’m ok with. Unfortunately I think there’s sometimes no way around pushing back against someone without them taking offense to it, and also sometimes it’s sadly necessary for the chance of holding up a mirror and making them reflect. I wouldn’t be surprised if I am unblocked some time down the line. It’s funny though because I was unfriended and blocked on anything possible, and it’s kind of an overreaction and interesting reversal - you’d think I’d be the one to block if I think someone has a horrid take or something. But no, challenge the baby and feel its wrath.
There was one shot I took that went kinda deep and is for sure debatable; reacting to me pointing out their (screenshottable, and happening directly after too) behavior saying that it’s some fantasy I conjured up in my head that isn’t real. It made me feel (genuinely, using that word correctly) gaslit. So I responded saying I don’t think enough about them enough to make one.
Surely wasn’t nice, as the core message is: I don’t care about you. Of course, technically, I do care, and by simply witnessing someone, you build an opinion, an image of them. But I don’t like the dismissive insinuation that I spend energy villainizing someone in my head as if I am obsessed ir have nothing better to do, as if I enjoy seeing someone negatively for no reason; so if you imply that and go there, there’s not much else I can say. I certainly can’t sensibly say “No, I see you in a normal way and what I feel is real.” If you heat up the nachos, they’re hot.
The issue I see is that people certainly don’t wanna upset them, especially with a history of being extreme and thin-skinned, and next to that, also actual enablers who continue to excuse certain behaviors even in DMs. So unfortunately even if this person would search for critical voices among others, asking if they really behave that way, I don’t think people would give a straight up answer. More like “well, sometimes you can be edgy, but it’s okay!” People don’t wanna get involved in drama, which is fair. Unfortunately in general, it’s pretty difficult to give it to a friend straight about problematic behavior :(
This is also what happens when you shield someone from the echo of their own behavior for too long, and others working overtime in DMs telling you not to say or do this and that and that that’s just who they are, preemptively avoiding certain conflicts that maybe, that person is just one day bound to have and would help. You can’t always clear the path for someone and warn people and beg them to understand, fighting battles for them.
This behavior is something you can cultivate and keep up in your own family bubble and Discord servers, but you tend to grow out of it in work contexts, or learn to control it there. In some cases, I guess there is nothing else teaching that kind of stuff when a workplace is not present.
In this instance honestly, if you really feel like there was a mischaracterization of you: You can let the mischaracterization stand, while engaging with the actual arguments. I’ve had to do this countless times already. Don’t like what the person is saying about your behavior, followed up by arguments on the actual topic? Then zero in on the topical arguments and lead it away from becoming personal. You don’t have to defend yourself or argue about your character; you can choose to move forward with keeping it on topic and seeing it as you two discussing two sides of a coin, or tackling a problem together. Working with difficult coworkers has taught me that, and having to grey-rock and redirect my mum’s anger has laid the foundation.
What did annoy me about it is that someone “cleaned it up”. It was already hours after, everyone had moved on, no one referenced it, people had already gone on to have their own conversations in the channel and whoever has admin rights still went to scroll back up to delete it. Honestly, deleting is fair is it’s offensive and discriminatory content, stirring shit up for hours, spamming the channel etc. but why would you go scroll back up hours later for 6 messages of a disagreement between 2 people in a server of like 25? This is the type of exchange you should leave be. Because no, obviously I took no screenshots, and if anything happens following that up, I can’t even go back to reference it or reassure myself that it really went down the way I remember. It enables further gaslighting by that person about their own behavior.
And if I stand by what I said, I want it to remain up. Now it feels like someone is doing take-backsies on my behalf.