holding my breath
There’s always a point where being without people feels like I’m holding my breath and like I’m slowly suffocating. I do need lots of alone time, but keeping my personal balance is key. It’s been too much alone time, too little air. Too many of the same people. Mostly surface level interactions.
Next time I meet people for longer and more in-depth hangouts, it’s going to feel like gasping for air after holding my breath for too long.
I long for community. I long for neighborhood, for hanging out in the garden together, on the stoop, the terrace, the balcony. Hanging out on the street. Or at a giant table inside, with board games on top. I wanna go to flea markets and museums together.
I hate living so far away from people that matter to me. I hate having no family, no neighborhood bond. I feel cut off from 60% of the human experience.
I think the comparison with holding my breath is apt because when you first start to hold your breath, it’s fine. You just had your fill and it will last a while. But it gets harder and harder with time, until your lungs hurt and you begin to fight your natural instincts to make it for longer. And most of the time, other people breathe automatically and don’t think about it. They take it for granted, until they’re drowning. It’s not like we want to be a person who needs air, it just is a natural part of us.
And I don’t wanna be a person who needs other people, but I am.