giving in
People usually say that anger, revenge, not being the bigger person hurts you more than the other person - that acceptance and forgiveness set you free. That choosing kindness over retaliation or being defensive feels better and that you’ll feel bad for not doing it. To an extent I get it but I rarely feel that way. Why?
Usually when someone wrongs me or upsets me, I’m a little mad. I stew on it for a little while. Then I think: “Oh, be nice. If you are nice and extend an olive branch and sugarcoat things and admit fault/say sorry even when there was none, this can be resolved. Just make them feel better and like they were right. You can both find closure and move on and the connection to them isn’t negatively affected. They probably just had a bad day, I know how that feels!” I put myself in their shoes, try to find explanations for their behavior. I treat them softly because of it. I try to find good reasons for their unreasonable behavior. I humanize them in my head.
So I reach out, or I don’t let it bother me, I give in, I stay quiet. And very soon after, I actually regret that.
I think I know where it comes from. In the past, I often had to be the bigger person - ignore insults, move on without a sorry, pretend nothing is wrong, keep my cool while someone else throws a tantrum and crosses lines. I had to do that as a teen, and I had to do it as an adult, even now on my job.
We have someone who can cross lines and be extremely unprofessional, insulting and immature at my job because “that’s just who she is, we can’t change her, just accept it, she’s 5 years from retirement”. So often, I had to say sorry for things I didn’t do, things I don’t find wrong and stand by.
I had to help emotionally regulate people who were emotionally out of control, at the cost of my mental peace and sense of justice and fairness. I had to lie to make people feel better, like reassuring them they did nothing wrong when they did. I had to accept people’s version of a story that made them look better because challenging it would have made them explode. So I was always the one to give in for most of my life. I listened to the above advice about how it would make me feel better. I listened to the general advice about how this is more professional and likable.
But it just made me a doormat, it makes me unhappy. After doing these things, I just felt bad and like I shouldn’t have been kind and understanding - because almost no one gave it back. It makes me feel like I wronged myself, like I let myself down. If I don’t stand up for myself, who will? I never had family or friends behind me to defend me. I was all I had.
When I try to be mature, forgiving, professional and extend good faith to someone’s action, expecting them to reciprocate and they don’t, I feel reminded of how I grew up and all the situations where I tried to fix things and the other person chose to remain in their feelings, or used it to hurt me further. It doesn’t feel good. It makes me wonder why I even tried. It makes me feel vulnerable in a bad way. Like I extended trust and sacrificed for nothing. It feels like as if I say “It was my fault.” even though it wasn’t, and instead of giving a polite response, I get slapped in the face and they say “Of course it was.” when it was theirs.
So honestly, not doing all that makes me feel better. Letting people have their tantrums without softening my position makes me feel true to myself. Sitting it out when people are mad without running in to fix it feels good. If someone is nasty to me, putting them in their place instead of turning the other cheek feels great! I ride that high all week and basically never feel bad about that. Fuck around and find out! Why should it always be me who has to make concessions?
It also comes from the fact that I feel like I was never allowed what these other people do. I was never allowed to throw tantrums, be an asshole, throw around weird accusations and lie. It wasn’t even tolerated when I just lived and minded my own business at home. I just wanted conflict to be over and not stick out to not become a target.
I always felt like I had to be at my best behavior not to drive people away, the little amount of people I have and know. But with others, it feels like they can bring drama to their friend groups and work places every other week, be difficult, whine, pick fights and be generally annoying and nothing happens. I feel like people don’t have as high expectations for them.
By now, I realize that depending on the situation, I’d rather sit with the discomfort of someone being upset briefly, than with the discomfort of once again being the “weaker” one. Am I actually the weaker one? No, I think many would say something like “It takes strength to be the bigger person.” or something, but to me, it feels weak, like I lost, once again. Backing down and just being like “yeah yeah okay”, in one ear out the other doesn’t have to hurt, but if it happens too much, it’s bad.
Just a sore spot. It’s because I was taught that whenever I made someone upset, it is always 100% my fault and not just a temporary mistake I can make up for, but a deep personality flaw that makes me worthless. And that’s not true, but it’s hard to get rid of that feeling.
