giving in
Giving in to depression completely lately. I have lost the plot. Hope I can regain it some time.
I'm very ultra sensitive to anything. Noises, smells, moods, messes, tone shifts, the slightest rejection, the slightest improvement in other people's lives. I'm so envious, it's not even funny anymore. Comparison is really fucking me over currently. It feels like everyone's lives is so much better than mine, and I didn't even feel that way a few weeks ago. But I'm tired of everyone's cool trips, and shared apartments, and that their partners earn well or even have jobs, that they still have parents they get along with, that they have good friends of their own, that they have people they can message all day that respond, and more. I'm envious of the people that have the type of relationships I want.
I feel like I'm a bomb about to go off so many times a day. It feels uncontrollable, but so far I have mitigated the worst, somehow. There's just so much anger in me, the type to just come out suddenly, that feels white and hot, that makes your entire body tense up. I feel so defensive, and worthless. I know so much of it is wrong, and it feels like I'm just watching as a virus consumes my brain and changes how I think. Nothing really helps.
I also don't see treatment as a way to help. I won't get therapy for a variety of reasons, some out of my control. I don't wanna go on antidepressants again because they just make me numb. Nice if the lows aren't so low, but sucks if the highs aren't high either, and they tend to turn me into even more of a robot in the eyes of others. Things need to fundamentally shift in my life, but I don't know how to make that happen. It's all outside of my control.
Even just 3 weeks ago was a lot better. But it just goes lower and lower. I thought I was already at my lowest and then the following week is even worse. It all feels pointless. Last year was great. I felt very healthy, I did well in university, I did a lot on the side, got married, had a great birthday party... I had a sense of direction, a sense of having arrived. I had a plan, I had options. I had good ideas on what to do to advance and move forward. I was naive in thinking I could do xyz and it pays off and gets me closer.
This year is just my body falling apart over and over again and some issues always coming up, disappointment after disappointment, disillusionment with my goals and options, and recognizing that my hard work earns me nothing, or at least not enough. I don't like my current job. I tried to change my current job by doing what I can to make it nicer from the inside, and it made it worse. I tried applying elsewhere and it failed. I realized that working in the industry I desired wouldn't be great either and maybe I don't want this as a job. And how, compared to 2025, my body is restricting me more, so maybe I need to stay in my current job that can accommodate that better.
And also, I just wanna give up. I tried making my work more interesting and ask for more, and either I got none, or people tried to sabotage it or prevent it or are making this hard on me. So why not? Why not do the little work I have each day and then game for hours, or draw, or read? I tried. I tried to be ambitious, ask for more, try to advance, network, go to events, bring in ideas, change jobs both internally and externally, get qualifications, volunteer. It brought me nothing but stress and grief. So why not do the bare minimum and enjoy life? As best as is possible? I already wanna kill myself every second day or so.
In my current mood/mental illness episode, I have fallen out of love with ambition, with proving my worth, with having goals and achievements and a good CV and a good employer and a few degrees and some papers to my name and a reputation in the space. I think it was a way for me to earn happiness and love, and to have reasons to like myself or be liked by others. But I discovered nothing of that sort comes from it, at least not for me right now. I burn myself out for nothing. I expect something, too much, maybe. And all of these things will not change the political atmosphere, inflation, my spouse's joblessness, my own issues... especially when you have morals.
I'm increasingly getting tired of that. I understand more and more why some people just commit to being ""evil"" and selfish; working for what gives the most money no matter if it is destructive or run by a fascist, and then use that money to separate themselves from the rest of society, buy comfort and protection, and try to make it as long as possible before we all die. Every day, it lowkey feels sillier and sillier to me that I don't. I don't even like most of society, and as our social security gets reduced everywhere at the moment, it feels like society no longer has your back either. Like you get nothing back from living nicely within it, instead of on top of it.
And because of economic struggle, extremism and social media, it feels like everyone thinks you suck because of one thing or another, or even wants you dead. It's everyone for themselves sooner than later, I fear. Everyone points at other people to say why they shouldn't have gotten money or support or a voice or lead that group because of xyz flaw or affiliation or privilege. Lots of infighting everywhere.
And then when push comes to shove, you have almost no money because all those years, you chose to stick to an ethical lowpaid job (gov, NGO, or just a niche company offering a service without being predatory or expanding) while also paying like over 50% of your wage into a social security net that no longer does what it was supposed to, with a pension you will never reach or that will not be enough.
I've also started playing an MMO to escape a bit, and it makes me think that this is kinda the path forward for me. The MMO is free for a significant chunk of it, and then the subscription costs later on are cheap for what you get. Hundreds of hours of story and other content, able to play games with others, hang out in their apartments and houses, do roleplay, do jobs, trade... maybe this, and stuff like VRChat, Second Life etc. really is the future. Not like the Metaverse, because it just tried to reinvent the wheel in a shitty way when these things are right there.
But:
You can just customize your look, irl you can only do so in a limited way, or it is expensive and restrictive, and no one will give you horns or bunny ears irl. You can be whoever you wanna be, irl you are restricted by your body and environment.
People ingame love your very extra outfit, irl cool outfits are not daily-life-appropriate, impossible to wear, or people harass you over it or take secret videos for TikTok because strangers are free content.
You can actually earn money and afford nice things ingame. You can actually have a house! You can afford nice furniture and the process isn't nervewracking, as furniture is just easily placed, bought and sold. Irl, you can't afford shit anymore, and all deliveries fucking suck, and measuring around in your apartment is a pain, and belongings seem to hold you back and just cause issues. Especially when you need to move.
You can run around for hours and do activities you could never do irl. No shitty, ill body to hold you back and have fitness setbacks. No pain. No exhaustion.
You probably can't just fish, mine ore, blacksmith, fell trees etc. irl, yet ingame you just can, freely, without permits, money, or being on someone else's property or without ruining the environment.
You know exactly what to do for success, and you actually see what reward you will get and actually get it. Quests are clearly defined, and you just need to do what you're told to progress. None of that applies irl, at least after you finish mandatory school.
You can meet people from anywhere without leaving your home or paying money. Even the subscription cost is cheaper than activities, cafes, restaurants, or booking some other space with friends regularly. No travel costs, no reliance on shitty public transport or cars. No going outside during catastrophic weather, extreme heat, pandemics and all that, which we will just get more and more of. Online, you can just go to people's plots. No illness transmission risk.
People are more reliable and show up. Irl, it is a pain to get people to show up. Everyone is busy and already has a full calendar somehow, even weeks in advance, and always with other people or at other places, and never care to plan you in or ask you for your time. Everyone is always online, but doesn't respond, or only responds to people who aren't you. You get like 5 mins of attention for 2 weeks before they drop off again while everyone else around you seems to write each other paragraphs all day. You make plans, and it takes ages for people to rsvp, then some people cancel last minute. But in games like that, you meet people who wanna be there and are very active and there are incentives besides you for them to show up, so they are less flaky. They are much more communicative and community-minded and enjoy social exchange, even if it's just chat. They show up every day, or to set times every week, reliably. They make time, they prioritize, they schedule it in.
People greet and welcome you. Irl, you are a nuisance, you are a customer, people hate their job, hate that you are there, often don't really greet you or treat you badly.
Online, you aren't harassed by people spitting everywhere, smoking, vomiting, pissing, littering. You can also just leave, block, mute, report if someone makes you uncomfortable. What exactly happens irl? Nothing. People protect their family and friends. Police don't care. People can just stalk you and there is nothing you can do to evade or make them fade away or hide yourself while outside.
Online, you can just go there and there is space for you. An MMO cafe isn't full and you won't get turned away, or if the instance is full, just go to another one; it won't be camped 24/7 by pensioners, like irl. You won't get run over or stabbed or blown up in some terrorist attack or by some mentally ill man on the way there.
I just see no reason anymore to care for the outside, the offline. Offline is where my shit job is, where the shit politics are, where the inflation is, where my body hurts, where any travel or cool event is an expensive disappointment, every visit to a restaurant or cafe feels like a scam, there is garbage everywhere, it stinks, it's dangerous, and the public acts like shit, and cars ruin your life and public transport keeps failing.
And it's not getting better. No matter what I do, what I refuse to consume, where I put my money, what I vote for. It doesn't matter. I cannot change it. I am perpetually uncomfortable in the offline world. It sickens and disgusts me. I would rather descend into an alternate fake electronic world than deal with this again. I would rather have all my interactions be online in this world, than having almost none, or only ones with significant strain and begging and risk, in the offline world. I would probably prefer to have a relationship or friendship with someone on the other side of the world who makes time and is very available, than with someone who lives close to me or my work yet only makes time every 2 weeks.
I think my general misanthropy just now is also affected by the fact that I don't seem to get the social contact I need and want lately. I send bids for connection to people and they either get ignored, just emoji reacted to, or it turns south and just causes irritation and annoyance. Like, I sent a funny little quiz to do in the group chat and one person was like "Ugh I won't do it looks exhausting" and someone else screenshotted like every question to rant about how stupid it is. That's not what I wanted it to be... sometimes I paste casual links and then have the most serious discussions about it that I didn't foresee at all. I don't want most of my interactions to be... this. I hate when I need a silly easy little interaction and it ends in arguing or annoyance. People don't respond to polls... no one has aligning schedules for Gartic or whatever... we ask people to hang out and it's like pulling teeth... the people we wanna hang with barely have time, the one that was staying with us just now for 2 days stunk badly the entire time and did other things to set me off and he always brings out the worst in me when playing games together.
All friends I have are shared and primarily the ones of my spouse, I have basically none of my own. Everyone new we meet is immediately my spouse's friend and not mine, or also mine. I want my own friends, though. And because we are always seen as a unit everywhere against my will, and I can basically not go anywhere without my spouse, I guess the only option I have is online.
I also have thoughts of self-sabotage. Not show up to my job any longer, cut everyone off, break up, divorce, and die. Stop taking my meds. Stop eating until I starve to death. I just wanna be left alone. I don't have the energy and mental health to withstand all these little rejections and comparisons and disappointments. I don't want any more work at work anymore. Nothing that promises to fill the void or "fulfill me". I wanna do the bare minimum and get by and distract myself with other things so I don't have to be conscious in this body. I wish I could drink alcohol again, and I always have to stop myself to not go back to benzos again. I wish I could do hard drugs and forget myself.
Even more than that I wish I could receive genuine help, a way out of this that isn't through or dying from it. I wish I could just go somewhere and it gets better. I wish I could take something that makes it better. But just talking it out in some office doesn't help in this case (like it used to, when my problems where manageable within my sphere of control) and numbing myself with SSRIs is less effective than other substances but with way more side effects. What gives.