false pride
The false pride about suffering that parental generation of me and my spouse has annoys me greatly. Not all of them are like that, but it’s telling that we both have mothers who didn’t accept help when they should have and are proud of it too.
What not accepting help, especially financial, does to children? Shame. Embarrassment. Issues with broken or too small shoes and clothes. No one to pick you up or help with homework. Not being able to afford school material, class trips, school lunch. Having a very limited amount of hobbies, usually solitary at home since those are free. Going on no vacations with family because that’s expensive, so being the only one home during the summer and the only one to have nothing to tell when school starts again. I remember all the questions and exercises around “your summer break” that were pure humiliation every time.
And it takes a toll on your relationship with your parent too. Maybe they’re barely there. Maybe they’re always exhausted from their job. They’re annoyed at you, frustrated, crying, yelling because of work or unpaid bills. Feeling like a burden to your parent but being unable to help. Trust issues, fights, withdrawing, living next to each other instead of with each other.
But if you ask my mum, she is so proud of being “selfmade” and having had to rely on no one else. Well, I wish she would have. She needed someone her age to love her, she needed a second income, she needed to get out of debt, she needed someone to co-parent with, and more. You might not be able to find love, but you can stop being too prideful to accept financial help.
It has some overlap with my spouse’s mother. She, too, is proud of not accepting financial help, in her case government aid. My mother couldn’t get around government aid - my dad refused to pay child support, she left it to me to sue him when I was 18 instead, and there was no partner stepping up providing a second income. But my spouse’s mum is proudly saying she was a single mum feeding two kids with her job and that she was too proud for government money. To her, it’s for losers, the lowest of the low, so she’s disappointed my spouse is on it.
Well, what she doesn’t realize or admit is that her ex man paid child support for those children, and she was only single for a short while before a man came into her life that moved in and obviously paid his share. I do not doubt that sooner or later, if there had been no men to pay, she would have needed to do what my mum did as well.
And there too, the relationship is bad.
I also think of all the boomers and Gen X who are proud of not divorcing, “not taking the easy way out”, and being angry at people that just divorce. Sorry, but there are no points or medals for doing it the hard way. There are difficult situations that help you grow and learn, but not divorcing and not accepting money aren’t any of those.
Like, what’s the point? “My child is scared of me because of all the outbursts I had when she was a teen and her toes are deformed because we couldn’t afford new shoes, but at least I never relied on anyone!” “Our children don’t talk to us anymore and probably keep on being in unhealthy abusive relationships as we created a house of hell at home, but at least we didn’t divorce!” It’s so silly.
And like, what’s it with hating people claiming unemployment? You’re going to want it too when you’re becoming unable to work in an unforeseen way - burnout, severe depression, panic disorder, physical disability and more. Sometimes you get laid off and can’t find work for a long time. This is what you’re paying for, so why not take advantage of it when you need it? Claiming unemployment is hard and confusing enough with lots of paperwork and meetings.
“You should work even if it’s less than unemployment!” No, absolutely not. Take any support and advantage like that that you can. Why shoot yourself in the foot? This is what these systems are for. I also pay health insurance so that clowns like you who smoke and get lung cancer get treatment anyway.
It’s not my spouse’s fault that there’s lots of lowballing jobs out there that pay less than unemployment benefits. It’s these companies that should be ashamed. If you can’t afford to pay employees more maybe your company doesn’t deserve to exist.
“At least you’re doing something you’re proud of if you work and not rely on benefits!” As if! This is always coming from people who already work a decent job they like. I wonder if they would go from what they’re earning and doing right now to being “content” and “proud” stocking shelves at Aldi for 400 a month. They’d probably be the first to cry “Why am I working here alongside high schoolers while I have a master’s degree?”.
My spouse is doing lots we can be proud of while on benefits: kitchen, grocery shopping, laundry, and more. That’s work too. That’s things I don’t have to do after my workday now. Shouldn’t that be fucking familiar to these clowns - one partner staying home that manages the household? That’s how they grew up! So give me a fucking break.