enduring annoyance
I think I used to have impossible standards for others because I had them for me and because I didn’t know any better. I barely had exposure to people, let alone reasonable ones, so I didn’t know what was okay to feel and what wasn’t. How much annoyance with others was normal?
For some reason, I seemed to assume that someone annoying me was enough to not be a good fit. I now know that that’s just normal; sometimes your good friends do things that annoy you, and you endure it and it passes. For some reason, back then, I think I held on to that feeling for much longer than I should have, overthinking it. I guess it was because I felt like a giant wound and I was abused at home, so feeling bad about someone felt like the first signs this person was going to hurt me, even if that wasn’t true, and I was very sensitive.
I seemed to have thought that to be good friends, everything should feel good and effortless at all times. Very unrealistic, but I had nothing to learn from and no role models. My mother treated people the same way, cutting them off for very minor things.
I’m glad I mellowed out. I can stand a lot more now, I don’t hold on to annoyance or anger; I properly “reset”. I now know that I have to limit myself in how much I interact with people because I burn out on them fast, and I have to build up a tolerance per person. I definitely need cool-off periods as well, else they become my BEC (bitch eating crackers) temporarily. I’m glad I don’t feel like someone’s quirks and mannerisms are a planned slight against me anymore. I’m able to find it exhausting without blame or assuming ill intent. It doesn’t permanently alter how I feel about them anymore.