conversation in my head
Need to get this conversation that’s playing in my head out. It would not exactly happen this way in real life. My parent wouldn’t exactly ask these questions, or not actually acknowledge what I said. On the other hand, some of this is also me reacting to things I think she would be asking or arguing about, or is ranting about to others about this situation, so it’s basically my retorts if that really happened, or we still talked.
Me: Our relationship is bad, so I don’t wanna do this anymore.
Her: But you never put in any effort! There was nothing coming from your side!
Me: Well, I just never wanted this relationship. It was one-sided. As a child, I shut my feelings for you off as I learned to be scared of you. I learned that your way was the only way, that I couldn’t question or criticize you, or be myself around you. I put on an act, I did the bare minimum, I managed your emotions and just did what you asked of me. It wasn’t safe to do anything else. Doing anything you didn’t expressly asked for was a huge risk to cause further abuse. So of course, instead of having a true genuine desire and drive to spend time with you or interact with you, I just did what you told me and said yes to things you suggested. But on the other hand, this doesn’t acknowledge the things I did and tried at all.
My attempts to spend time with you or gifts I sent you apparently don’t count. You always say I shouldn’t spend much money, but if I do nothing or something small/handmade, it’s also bad, and if I send you stuff I think you’d like, it’s treated as a burden because you’re always traveling and now have to somehow arrange accepting the parcel. I offer to help with the move or the apartment, you say you don’t need it. Then later, I found out you had help from other people and a little housewarming party I wasn’t invited to. You’re never home. I gift you a gift card so we can go to the cafe more often and even with some friends, but you say “Ugh how many times are we supposed to go there, we’ll never use that up.” as if you don’t care about meeting me more often or together with others.
And also, if already nothing was coming from my side apparently, and the relationship is bad because of me, I did us both a favor. Nothing should change or feel different to you now, it seems. Nothing to miss that didn’t exist, so I don’t get why you’re sad.
Her: You’re so ice-cold about this, so unemotional. Did I mean nothing to you?
Me: This was a decades long process. Since a teen, I dreamed of cutting contact with you. I just couldn’t actually do it until now, over 10 years later. I had so much time preparing me for this, and I always had positive connotations with it, like relief and peace. It was a done deal for me and something kept in the back of my mind for a long, long time. I always searched for the perfect moment and there just wasn’t one. So it happened now.
Her: But don’t I deserve second chances? Why couldn’t you tell me? Why can’t we work this out? You cut me off after one little mistake…
Me: Over the years, you had hundreds of chances, thousands of mistakes. During the time I was a child and teen reliant on you, you basically had infinity chances, no repercussions, because what would I do? Cry? Be mean back? You controlled everything and were the only parent. I wasn’t in the position to give chances or make demands. I had to just accept everything. And even if I tried explaining what was wrong or what hurt me, it wasn’t taken seriously, or it was claimed it never happened, I’m too sensitive, I deserved it or whatever.
In the end, all that ended the discussion (which would usually cause another fight where I got yelled at and accused) was me apologizing for what I alleged or voiced, apologizing for my feelings, and dropping it. I never could ask anything from you, not even acknowledging the problem. On the rare occasions you apologized, I had to immediately accept it and reassure you it wasn’t that bad. I had to forget it instantly and pretend it never happened. There was no room for my real feelings about anything.
Her: But why didn’t you just tell me all of that now so we could work on it?
Me: It’s too late. I don’t feel like you’re my mother. You’re a stranger to me and I don’t wanna see you, hear you, smell you. You are triggering to me. Being in contact with you doesn’t make me happy. I see no way to fix 30 years. We are just fundamentally incompatible. We are too different and I can’t make up for all the damaging years or make them disappear. My body, my traumatized brain will always see you as a danger. I will never be able to see a message from you on my lockscreen and not feel drained and terrified.
I also don’t need huge, terrifying, earth-shaking reasons. I also, aside from this stuff, genuinely don’t like or vibe with you. We have no shared interests, no shared morals, everything feels awkward, your voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me. You do unethical shit, like sell tobacco and fuck married men. You protect someone at a bank misusing their privileges to spy on people. You stole from people. You broke my stuff. Who knows about everything I don’t even know yet… you’re just a bad person, or at least bad to me. I have some good memories where you tried, and I am grateful for that, but this doesn’t outweigh the bad.
It feels like we are only in contact because we “have to be” because we’re “family”. But I’m done repeating the mistakes of my family. You yourself hate your mother and often ignore her messages, so you know how it is. But you’re too scared to cut her off for the same reason. It’s bullshit. Who cares? You also cut off your brother. So don’t act like you don’t know how it is.