can’t have anything (sometimes)
Sometimes it feels like we can’t have any sort of progress because you just get told it could be worse and that you should be grateful. That’s not how we should weaponize gratitude. I don’t wanna see someone wanting a reduced work week or asking for advice on how to deal with 8h+ a day spent on work be met with “be grateful it’s only 8-5!” like thanks to you people we’ll just never get to have anything I guess.
Lately, I wake up angry every morning. Nothing directly triggers it, it’s not like I dreamed badly right before that and remember.
In general, I feel more sensitive to just… world facts. I don’t mean feeling down when exposed to a lot of news or drama, and recovering when consuming less - I mean just simple things that are more permanent and ongoing than temporary conflict, politician said something dumb, etc. I already consume little news and withdrawing wouldn’t affect what I’m dealing with.
It’s thoughts around my own future, my health, my career; it’s climate change and pollution, it’s general rise of fascism, it’s poverty and homelessness, it’s surveillance, it’s animal cruelty, the inability of institutions and so much more. I think usually we are either in a state of ignoring them to be able to live our lives, or able to be considerate of them while keeping enough of emotional distance to not fall apart.
Right now I’m just so sensitive to that, no emotional distance. I feel compelled to act, but there’s nothing I can do beyond what I’m already doing, and nothing that would instantly solve anything. At the same time, I just became so tired of it all. Feels like a big bruise. Hopeless.
I’m tired of living in a world of villains. Controlled by villains, surrounded by many wannabe-villains, who wanna reach the top to do the same, or would, if they ever reached it. I hate what is seen as cool, I hate who or what gets rewarded or punished. I hate that the shitty things are so convenient and easy to get. I hate that we are all numbed or distracted by survival and that many have given up, that many fall for propaganda, and that it feels like everyone is fending for themselves. I hate the prevalence of “I got mine, fuck you”. I hate that anything good is always too hard, too uncomfortable, too expensive or whatever and you can’t expect anything of anyone ever, even if survival or our future hinges on it. I hate looking around thinking of that one tweet that’s like “omg you people can’t do anything”.
I’m disappointed, I’m over it, I’m tired, I’m sad, I can’t see magic and happiness in a world that is so rotten, at least I can’t acknowledge both right now at the same time. I can’t believe in my usual positive thoughts and patterns and reasonings. It feels too limited to me and ignoring that the rest of the world is getting nowhere.
I want to live, but not in this world or time anymore, and not with all these selfish people.