bids for connection
Having your bids for connection ignored or reacted to in a very reduced and half-assed manner is sad. And you have to remember that it’s normal to feel sad about that, nothing wrong with that.
Asymmetry in interest and engagement is always hurtful. Someone not caring as much about getting to know you as you care to get to know them always sucks. Like why am I not good enough? Not interesting enough? Why is this not mutual? What do I have to do? Does this say anything about me?
The actual hurt is not the problem. It’s understandable that you wanna shut that part of you off, feel completely neutral about it and just not care. But that part is just human, and shutting that off shuts off caring about so many things and picking up on subtle signals in ways that are good.
It’s just a problem when you expect someone else to fix that for you. Harassing that person, pleading for attention, or seeking validation from others. Instead you have to sit through it by yourself and find own ways to cope healthily, and also non-drastically. No thinking about cutting off all contact to avoid the pain, for example.
Sometimes people need more time. Some are slow to trust people or get invested. Some others are hot and cold. Sometimes people don’t feel well.
I also sometimes fall into not helpful thoughts like “How did they even make these friends they already have if they behave like this?” But you never know what it took for these friendships. Maybe forced proximity over years via school, or the other people taking on all the work of approaching them and inviting them to stuff, and all that. Or maybe these friendships were made in a time when they were different. Or because they got those friendships, they don’t need any more. They are saturated.
It kinda sucks being in a world where you get conflicting messages at all times because everything is so global and hyperconnected. You read about how no one owes anyone anything, but also that everyone is lonely and wants more friends, but in real life you might struggle to find people who can make the time for that. So it feels ridiculous, like “I’m here and trying, why does it feel like I’m the only one when everyone allegedly wants this so much?”
It can also make you feel like an unwanted creep. At least in my experience. Like you keep thinking about what this person likes or what you could do together and wanna ask about their personal life like hobbies etc., but if none of that energy comes back, it feels invasive. Every nice act can feel like a transgression, like something you do for the wrong reasons (even though just being nice to become friends or more is not manipulative or sinister).
And sometimes, especially when people are hot and cold, you just don’t know - are they just moody like that, or unsure? Are they just being nice entertaining me and then regret it later? What’s the “true” feeling? Should I just keep at it and not expect too much, because this person just needs more time and consistent effort to bring their walls down a little? Or should I take some sort of hint and fuck off?