apologies

14 Mar, 2025

I don’t think I’m good at judging when to hold back on something and when to say it out loud.

It’s easy to judge when it’s about standing up for someone or something (even yourself), then it’s usually acceptable to do. But it’s harder when it’s opinions in general, telling someone a difficult thing, or criticizing them.

It’s harder internationally when your culture or language sounds harsh or is more direct and blunt; I heard this is about high-context and low-context countries. And it’s harder when you lack social skills or are autistic or it’s simply your personality. I think I’m very direct in communication and I only sugarcoat when necessary. I avoid being mean, rude, too blunt or “”brutally honest”” though.

I also never know for sure when hurting someone is good. I sometimes think it is, but it turns out it’s not.

You might say something hurtful to someone, but it’s the truth that they need to hear; it hurts, but then they move on and it was necessary. That’s good. But sometimes you say something true and it wasn’t good to say it, because it wasn’t helpful and just hurtful. I only ever know that this case isn’t the former good pain when it already happened.

And sometimes you say something that’s a bit hurtful by default and there’s nothing you can change about it - like saying you didn’t like what someone did, or are disappointed in them, or breaking up. It’s understandable they are hurt but it’s not avoidable.

But there are also cases where you say something normal and the other person is surprisingly really hurt by it and you can’t figure out why, and it seems unwarranted, like an overreaction. But how can you be sure it is? What if you’re unknowingly an asshole?

I think while writing them down, they seem so easily distinguishable, but in reality, it’s all so messy and often overlaps and doesn’t quite fit into a category. There’s always people who hear about a conflict and say you were too harsh, then another says you weren’t harsh enough, one says the other overreacted, the other says you shouldn’t have said anything. Men are allowed to be more blunt than women before they’re called out on it.

I never know what to make of it. Maybe conflict is always messy. Maybe it isn’t that deep.

I recently apologized to someone and meant it. But apologies from me are rarely genuine. Is that bad? Are all apologies supposed to be genuine? Am I only supposed to say them when I am really sorry? I’m scared to ask. It seems offensive to bring up that maybe we are all just lying to each other as social lubricant. Do other people apologize to get it over with, too? To have peace again, to give the other person closure, to make them stop crying?

What’s being sorry for something supposed to feel like? If my apology is genuine, I apologize because I regret my behavior and don’t wanna do it again. But when my apology is fake to save the peace and make someone like me again, I still stand by what I said and did and don’t regret it. Is that okay? I don’t know what else to do. When people expect an apology and I still want to be friends or partners with them, I give it. Otherwise I don’t bother. If I wouldn’t give my fake apologies, I would lose people and disappoint them. That’s not good either.

I have a difficult relationship with apologies because of my mum. She would blow up and start fights, scream, slam doors, insult me, cry and all that, and when I genuinely apologized it was never enough. I was accused of lying, accused of not apologizing enough, no matter what I said or did. It seemed hopeless because they were never accepted and I was just rejected and hurt further, so at some point I stopped apologizing to her and that was wrong too. I couldn’t get it right. So when it comes to conflicts and apologies, I tune out, I become unemotional, a little depersonalized. I think that messed up my relationship to conflict resolution and apologies forever. Many times when people sit me down to say what hurt them or to argue, I just stare and don’t understand. I can’t empathize with why they’d be upset and not gonna lie, many times I think they should get a grip and stop being so sensitive, but I don’t say it. I do what is expected of me and move on. Or I hold against it and ask questions, but people don’t like that. I learned that when they sit you down to complain, you’re supposed to roll over, agree and let it happen, give in and not ask about anything or provide counter arguments. I don’t get it, but okay.

I remember in school, I was good friends with a girl. She was really smart, but for some reason, she resigned herself to act dumb. Like the ditzy, klutz-y, “heehee I know nothing I’m too stupid” kind of behavior, even though she was able to do so much better. She would put herself down with this too, in a kind of self-deprecating behavior. I guess it was supposed to be silly, endearing, non-threatening, and lowering others’ and her own expectations. If she thought she was too stupid, then she wouldn’t have to genuinely try, and then failing would hurt less because she didn’t try.

We sat together in Philosophy class, and I was really good at this. She was again doing her whole “I’m so silly and stupid” shtick, trying to get laughs and pity and encouragement from others. It kind of hurt me to see, and it had been going on for a long time, so at that fateful day, I sat there … and my memories are hazy, because it’s been over a decade… and I said something like: “But then why don’t you just try? You always sit here saying you’re too stupid, but why don’t you put in the effort?” I only said that because I wanted better for her.

She started crying immediately, threw her glasses across the room and ran out. Afterwards, she literally avoided me and never spoke to me again. It was really hurtful for me too, and I never understood why what I did was wrong, and I never asked or apologized. I stood by what I said. I expected things to return to normal after a while but they never did, and since she was the school’s sweetheart (very deservedly so) everyone knew and people literally said “Aren’t you the girl that made Jenny cry?”

If anyone ever reads this and thinks it’s obvious what went wrong, you’re better than me because I still don’t.

The more I think about the entire topic the less I understand about social expectations around conflicts and apologies.