alien
I have never felt like I had a family or was truly born here; it felt more at times like I was an alien who suddenly got dropped onto earth. There are many reasons:
When I was born, I looked different than my parents. There were accusations in my family that my mother must have cheated; we are only white, and I looked half asian, especially because of my eyefold and other features. Growing up, people always thought one of my parents was asian. In my teens, long after my parents separated, my father even floated a paternity test, but my mum talked him out of it. She coped with it all by joking that the mailman is my dad.
I also never really related to my parents and I was indifferent to my very mentally and later physically absent dad, and extremely scared of my mother. They were never something to look up to; they went through the motions, they fought, they neglected or abused me, and had no friends and mostly shunned the rest of the family. They had no goals, no hobbies, and nothing to teach me. The most notable thing I remember of my time as a child is when my father got addicted to ebay bidding wars.
We also didn’t have any family traditions, we never really visited family and they never visited us. There were no festivities, no gettogethers. It was an empty family, nothing holding us together. No one made an effort and people also lived far away. There were fights and old wounds everywhere, addiction and depression.
Even as a small child, I wanted someone to rescue me. I had this wish that the hospital would call and say that they switched the babies up on accident and that they’d pick me up to give me to my real family. And they’d love me and be the parents I needed. Sadly that call never came, and because of some hereditary illnesses, I now know I am definitely from my mother, at least.
It’s heartbreaking for a child to think that way; but I never knew it any differently.
My parents later split up in my early teens. This has been so long ago now and both of my parents are so different that it’s almost inconceivable that those are my parents. I don’t recognize them. I don’t talk to my dad anymore, and talking with my mum is like accidentally running into an ex-coworker at the grocery store. It’s been clear to me that enough time has passed that both feel comfortable absolving themselves of parenthood; in their lives, and especially the life of my father, it was a blip, an extremely short while compared to the rest of their lives.
It was like this experiment, this past life of theirs that is long over, like a hobby they dropped, and it always made me feel like a relic that is long overdue to die with it all. It’s like I should have crumbled years ago already, because nothing of that time even exists anymore. Both parents are no longer even remotely who they were, no one lives in the same apartments anymore where we used to be, there’s no room for me anywhere in their lives or new apartments and 99% of things we used to own are discarded.
I’m somehow the one holding on to most of it, I think, despite being a minimalist. The dresser I have is the one I had since I was 6. The spoon in my flour is the one we always had in the flour when I grew up. The little shelf on wheels in my kitchen is the one we had since I was 9. Small things, like my tape dispenser are the ones I grew up with. It’s literally the only tape dispenser I ever had and used since I was a child. The cutting part is now super dull, but I keep it.
The entire situation makes me feel like a ghost that is stuck roaming the earth and can’t move on, or like I’m the only living proof this connection, this time period existed at all. It’s a creepy and eerie feeling.
People who are displaced, adopted, etc. can at least try to find their biological parents, look to return to their home country or culture… but I feel like I have nothing like that.
There’s so much that gets taken from you like this. No family memories like vacations and festivities, no help when you’re sick; while others get apartments and jobs via their family and their connections, you have none of that. There’s no one to help buy a car, an apartment, a house or whatever big milestone purchase others usually get financial support for by their families. When I make plans with others, people often have no time because they visit their parents, take care of their grandparents, hang out with their sibling, have a wedding or family birthday to attend to… I have nothing like that. Everyone rightfully prioritizes their birth family.
Existing like this feels not human at times, it feels like it deeply goes against our nature, against mine at least. I think other personalities would cope with this better, but I’m someone who would really thrive with a family, a community, taking care of others. But it’s out of my hands. Everyone I meet and know already has a family, so they don’t need to find family in other people.